♪ Intro Music ♪
Hello everyone ….
As living organisms we are designed to move away from pain
and in the direction of pleasure.
Our nervous system is highly attuned to pain stimulus
and to pleasure stimulus.
Move away from the cactus thorn, move towards the pretty flower.
We want to maintain our happiness for as long as possible.
We would do anything to avoid pain.
But what about those of us who can’t hold on to happiness?
Who can’t really feel it?
It’s easy to assume that happiness is always a good thing,
but the truth is our subconscious mind doesn’t always agree.
For some of us, the truth is: Happiness is like the
Pot at the End of The Rainbow.
It’s this goal which hovers in the future.
A dream which seems completely unreachable.
How did it end up this way?
We ended up this way because we suffered so much in our lives
that happiness began to feel ‘false’.
We ended up this way because we felt blind-sided
by painful experiences.
When we are blind-sided by painful experiences,
especially when we were feeling good,
we start to feel like happiness turns us into sitting ducks.
We start to feel as if happiness is vulnerability
that leaves us open for attack at any moment.
This belief-system can ride on the back
of seemingly insignificant events.
For example, a 3-year old is laughing hysterically
and not looking where they’re running
and so they fall and they experience that kind of pain
that’s associated with injury.
That child might have experienced that extreme dramatic fall
from the elation and excitement they were feeling
to that utter powerlessness and pain they felt when they fell.
And, to think to themselves (subconsciously of course)
“This is NOT worth it!”
The ‘happiness’ might just be the reason why something bad
just happened to me.
In other words, they would rather just stay on-guard
and not let themselves feel elation for the sake of
their own safety.
Another example is a child who gets super-excited
only to be disappointed.
This child makes the subconscious conclusion that
‘excitement’ inevitably leads to ‘disappointment’.
Another example, is that the child growing up with a parent
who is a chronic worrier, may be playing joyfully, and their
parent repeatedly, and in a panicked-tone, warns them about
this-and-that bad thing that can happen – which instils
the child with the fear of the world and teaches the child
to distrust their positive emotional states – as if Happiness
and Fun were a dangerous illusion.
If we take this deeper to what we would
consider a Significant Event.
Let’s pretend that there’s a boy who’s playing with his toys,
rather noisily, in a house with a father who is violent.
Let’s say that the father hears this loud noise,
and gets angry and comes over and blind-sides the child
by smacking him in the face …
This child might learn to associate
his feelings of happiness and excitement and fun
with getting slapped in the face, in that consequence.
The child then associates Joy
with the feeling of being blind-sided.
The Positive Emotion becomes linked with Negative Expectation
and Negative Emotional-States.
And now, even deeper – if we had people in our lives
who were upset by our happiness and joy
(maybe because they were jealous of it,
or because it inconvenienced them in some way,
or they felt resentful of us for some reason)
then chances were that they deliberately sought
to make us unhappy when we were feeling happy.
What we learned then,
is that the only way to get love from them
or, keep the peace,
was to be unhappy.
This pattern is especially common in families
where a parent is particularly resentful of a child;
in families where a parent gains their validation
through having a child be dependent on them.
When a child being happy makes a parent unhappy,
the parent will often seek to reestablish unhappiness
in the child.
As the child begins to grow up and become independent,
they are most dependent upon a parent when they are unhappy,
such as – “I skinned my knee” or “I need a hug”
or “I’m sick” or “I can’t reach something”.
If a parent needs their child to be dependent upon them,
to feel valid and loved,
that parent is likely to subconsciously,
but deliberately, keep the child in a state
that is Hurt, Unhappy, Sick or Uncapable.
As a result of our childhood experience,
many of us feel as if there has to be
a give-and-take in life.
That means then, that when we feel happy,
we feel like there is inevitably pain around the corner.
For example, if we had a parent who would punish us
for selfishly doing something that made us happy,
we come to learn that if we do something to make ourselves happy,
we deserve punishment.
And so we pause at this expectation that was developed
by our primary authority-figure Parent,
over the top of the primary authority-figure in our adult lives,
which is God or the Universe.
We expect that there is a give-and-take when it comes
to God or the Universe, as well.
We expect that if we are happier doing something
to make ourselves feel happy,
God or the Universe will achieve balance
and ‘even the score’ by inevitably dealing us pain or tragedy.
If you feel like you’re one of these people
who can’t hold on to happiness
or can’t really touch it,
here’re somereallyimportant questions
for you to ask yourselves …
– “Did I feel like the happiness of one or both of my parents
conflicted with my happiness as a child?”
– “Did it feel like my happiness competed with their happiness?”
– “Did it feel like there was no way that both of us could be
happy at the same time?
That, either I was happy OR my parent was happy?
Or my parent was happy AND I was unhappy?”
When we feel as if our happiness conflicted with
one of our primary authority-figures,
we grow up to feel as if our happiness
is in conflict with the happiness of the Universe at large.
We start to feel like we’re in a giant chess match,
where we’re fighting for our happiness,
and the Universe is fighting against our happiness.
It wants us to suffer.
As a result we feel like, at every turn,
the Universe is going to try to make us unhappy.
So to sum this all up –
if we feel like it’s impossible to hold on to happiness,
like we can’t really touch it or keep it,
and if we feel like happiness is unreal,
while unhappiness is the only valid real experience we can have,
what’s really happening is that
we have learned tofearhappiness.
We think that happiness is dangerous, because
we have been blind-sided by pain
when we were enjoying ourselves.
What’s more than that,
we have been blind-sided by pain
when we were in the midst of enjoying ourselves,
And now, for the crux of this entire video …
The reality of the situation is:
For most of us that can’t feel happiness
and feel as if happiness is unreal;
The feeling of happiness and the feeling of joy,
has in and of itself, become a trigger
for the Post-Traumatic Response.
So why is this such a problem?
It’s a problem because you are now fighting
your own survival-instinct to be happy.
The wires in your brain have crossed to such a degree,
that your Being is trying to make you happy
by keeping you unhappy.
The strongest instinct in the physical body
is the drive to avoid pain, for the sake of survival.
The minute your mind associates pleasure with pain,
your brain now wires itself to avoid Positive Feeling-States
for the sake of feeling ‘positive’.
We start to feel like our own mind is working against us,
we feel like we are being prevented from happiness
in every way.
As if our Being is an enemy living within.
But understanding this dynamic should give you
a bit of relief in and of itself,
because it means that your own Being loves you so much,
that, ironically, its motivation for keeping you unhappy
is so that you will feel good.
For most Beings on Earth, they experience a baseline of Joy,
with temporary experiences of pain and unhappiness.
But for some us, the tables have turned, and our baseline
becomes Suffering, our baseline becomes Unhappiness,
with temporary, occasional experiences
of positive emotional-states.
When this is the case,
it definitely feels as if unhappiness …
the state of grief …
lower vibrational-states – such as misery …
That Suffering is real …
and that Pleasure is false.
If you are experiencing the lack of Joy in your life,
or the continual inability to be happy,
I want you to ask yourself some questions
and be brutally honest when you’re answering them.
The first question is – “What is my Positive Intention
for being unhappy or suffering?”
The second question is – “What ‘bad thing’ would happen
if I were always happy, and always full of joy?”
Most of us think that we’re trying incessantly to be happy,
when in reality, there’s a larger aspect of our subconscious mind
which wants the exact opposite.
So in essence, we’re engaged in an internal tug-of-war
between the conscious and the subconscious mind.
The conscious mind that wants Happiness,
the subconscious mind that does not want Happiness
because of what it thinks that Happiness entails.
It is essential that if you feel like Happiness
is not something you can hold on to,
that you spend time with your positive emotional-states.
What I want you to do next time you feel a positive emotion,
is to sit down, close your eyes,
and let yourself sink deep into that particular feeling.
As if you’re a scientist exploring the sensations
that that feeling gives rise to within your body.
And what you’ll notice quite quickly is that
what happens in response to that positive emotion
is that anxiety starts to rise within your body.
You’ll start to feel that ‘uncomfortable’ feeling.
It’s almost like some part of youcan’t
feel that positive emotion, without feeling fear about it.
What I want you to do when that secondary emotion appears,
that secondary negative emotional-response,
to the positive emotion,
is to sink deeper and deeper
into the negative emotional response.
As if you’re sinking into a cavern within yourself.
I want you to explore the sensations of that
negative reaction to the positive emotion
that’s happening within you.
And, when you feel like you have sat with that emotion
long enough to release resistance to feeling it,
I want you to ask yourself the question –
“When was the first time that I felt this feeling?”
If nothing comes up as a result of that,
that’s a valid experience.
Any experience you have when you’re doing this process
is valid – it’s the one that’s right for you.
But, you might start to see images,
you might get a full-blown memory.
And if you do get the memory,
what I you to do is to apposite your Adult-Self
in with your Child-Self, within that memory.
I want you to kneel down at the child’s level,
and I want you to begin to validate the emotional response
that’s happening within the child inside that memory.
So if the child is feeling immense grief,
sit down with the child … hold the child.
Don’t invalidate their feelings or try to make them feel better.
Just be present with them however they feel right then and there.
What you will notice is that the child will start to feel relief.
You’ll notice relief come over them,
you’ll notice an improvement in the way that they feel,
that’s your indication that it’s time for you to take action,
to re-parent your Inner Child that’s in that particular memory,
and to make changes to that memory for good.
Most especially, you want to explain to this child,
that it’s not ‘unsafe’ to feel happy.
And explain and demonstrate to this child
how you will keep them safe so that they can be care-free,
so that they can experience happiness without fear of
being blind-sided by something else.
And also, let this Inner Child do anything
that they need to do
in order to be able to trust that they are safe
to feel positive emotions,
instead of constantly feeling like
something’s waiting around the corner
to blind-side them.
To give you an example of how this process works,
this week I put someone through this particular process.
When they went into the feeling,
they were brought back to a memory of themselves
in the backyard of their house,
when they were about 5 or 6 years old.
Earlier, she had been playing and laughing
in the backyard with her dolls.
Her mother, who was a highly stressed-out woman,
who owned a busy Cleaning Service,
had seen her playing in the yard and
instantly felt put-upon by her own child.
Her mother felt like an indentured servant to her daughter
because here she was, slaving away cleaning the house,
while her daughter played.
Long-story short, her mother came out of the house,
exasperated and yelling for her to “get her butt
inside and help out”.
She felt punished for playing and for being happy.
She made the decision that in order to keep her mother’s love
she had to stop playing and stop being happy.
She knew that her happiness instigated
emotional attacks from her mother.
Her Adult-Self sat with her sad Childhood-Self, and held her.
She told her Childhood-Self that what her mother
was doing to her was unfair.
She explained to the child why her mother was doing it,
and told her that is was not OK.
She explained that there is no consequence for being happy.
After her Inner Child seemed to feel some relief,
she asked her if she wanted to stay with her mother
or come with her instead.
Her Childhood-Self said – “Come with you”.
And so, she created a perfect little home for the two of them,
where her Inner Self could play and laugh and feel happy
with absolutely no consequence.
In my opinion, when it comes to healing, and ‘True’ Healing,
there’s nothing more important in this particular process.
Because in this process we’re addressing the causation
of the particular experience of not being able to feel happy,
not just the symptom.
The symptom of being unable to feel happy or
unable to hold on to happiness is a symptom, it’s not a cause.
People who fear happiness tend to expect the worst.
For this reason, I want you to watch my video on YouTube
titled “How To Stop Expecting The Worst”.
Part of expecting the worst, is ‘Catastrophizing’.
People who catastrophize play a lethal What-If game.
It’s essentially a chain of What-Ifs.
First an event happens,
that leads to a What-If This-Is-What-Happens as a Result-Of-That
and, if that’s the case, then This-Will-Happen
and if that’s the case then This-Will-Happen …
until we arrive at the very worst-case scenario
we can possibly imagine.
It’s an “If A then B” … “If B then C” scenario
For example: if we don’t get a call from someone
when we expected them to call us, then “They don’t love us …”
and “If they don’t love us … then they will break-up with us”
and “If they break-up with us …”
“… then we will have to move out of the house” and
“If we have to move out of the house … “
“… then we’ll have no way of supporting ourselves …”
“… and we’ll be completely alone …”.
We basically assume that every link
in this chain of expectation
will inevitably occur.
The way to break this cycle
is to break the Catastrophe-Chain.
What we have to do is to look at every link
in this particular chain
and challenge every one of them for
their Truth and their Validity.
With each link in the chain
we need to consider the opposite
and try to prove to ourselves
how it may not be necessarily be true.
For example, using the previous scenario,
if the What-If is “They don’t love me”,
we could list things to show that theydolove us.
Or, if the What-If is that “They will break-up with me”,
list the reasons that this won’t happen.
Do this with every link in the chain,
leading to the worst-case scenario.
For people who have a Post-Traumatic Stress-Response
to Happiness itself,
it’s incredibly hard to see
the roses for the thorns in life.
You can’t see the Positives.
They don’t occur to you.
For this very reason,
one of the most important things that you can do
if you’re one of these people,
is to keep a Positive-Aspects Journal.
In this Journal, what you do is anytime you experience
an unwanted event, or an unwanted or unpleasant thing,
is that you write that thing down
and then you come up with every way that
that thing could be positive;
every positive thing which comes out of the experience.
You’re basically looking for the roses through the thorns.
For example, say I wrote down that I’m sick …
Some examples of Positive-Aspects could be:
– “I’m taking ‘Me’ Time”,
– “I’m spending more time in the present moment”,
– “The cat is cuddled-up with me”,
– “I’m realizing how much stress I’m in on a daily basis
which has encouraged me to make some changes to my life”,
– “It’s an excuse to watch movies!”,
– “I have more immunity now than I did before”,
– “My immune system is working, otherwise
I wouldn’t have these symptoms”,
– “I got to have some really comforting soup”,
– “This blanket feels good against my skin” etc.
And at the end of each day,
I want you to write the Date down,
and I want you write the positive-aspects that happened
or things you enjoyed aboutthatparticular day.
Doing this enables you to see that unwanted things
are not necessarily punishment.
And, that the Universe does not deliberately
try every day to make you suffer.
Another thing that’s really good for people who have
a Post-Traumatic Stress-Response to Happiness itself
is Exposure Therapy.
This means, the more time you spend around Joy,
the more ‘safe’ you realize that Joy is.
Do things that feel good.
Prioritize ‘happiness’ every day at least once
so that you’re doing somethingjust becauseit feels good.
Thisis goingto trigger you.
It will not feel good at first, it’s gonna feel
like an invitation for tragedy and disappointment.
But, remind yourself like a mantra –
“It is OK to feel this way, it is OK to feel good”.
And pay attention to see if anything really bad happens
as a result of feeling good.
The more times that you consciously notice yourself feeling good
and consciously see, and take note of the fact that nothing
bad happens as a result of feeling good,
the more this trigger will diminish
and the more comfortable you will be
allowing yourself to feel good
without fear of feeling good.
If you have had negative experiences happen
when you were feeling positive,
then, chances are really high
that you’re one of these people who feels like
positive-focus – and optimism – is naïveté.
Now we gotta stop caring so much
about what’s True and what’s Not-True.
If we’re addicted to Truth,
it’s because we think that knowing the truth
will make us feel better anyways.
So what we need to do is to stop caring about
True or False … Right or Wrong …
and start, instead, caring about how we feel.
We’ve gotta do it cause let’s face it,
regardless of whether something is True or Not-True,
the real Reality which we’re sitting in
is the reality that we can no longer live life this way,
because it’s unbearable.
In other words, we need to acknowledge
and admit to the fact
that we’re in the amount of pain that we’re actually in.
That, that, is where we are.
And then, move incrementally in the direction of things
that feel better because of the sheer fact
Becausewe can no longer live this way.
We need to begin to treat ourselves
like we deserve to be happy.
Ask yourself these questions:
– “Why am I unworthy of happiness?”,
– “Does me being happy really take away
from other people’s happiness?”,
– “Does me being happy really take away
from the Universe’s happiness?”,
– “If I were God and I had unlimited eternal resources
and could do anything,
and if someone was happy,
would I want to take away their happiness
or hurt them in some way?”,
– “If so, why?”,
– “If not, why?”,
– “If I were God and I had all the energy in this Universe
at my disposal,
and someone asked me for something
that would make them feel happy,
would I give it to them?”
So then why would God not want me to be happy
and give me the things that would make me happy?
We need to challenge the way that we’re thinking
about this Universe,
and about Happiness.
The way we were seen and treated as children
is not a good indication about how
the Universe at large sees us or will treat us.
If you have suffered for the majority of your life,
and people say that the Purpose of Your Life
is Joy, or to choose Happiness …
Most likely all that’s going to do is to
make you feel incapable.
It’s gonna make you feel stuck and imprisoned in your pain,
as if nothing you can do can get you out of it.
Be compassionate with yourself.
You are NOT a negative person – you were hurt.
You are NOT a Debbie Downer – you were hurt.
You did NOT deserve to suffer – you were hurt.
You are NOT so mentally ill that your brain chemistry
makes you incapable of feeling joy – you were hurt.
You are NOT consciously choosing to be unhappy – you were hurt.
What do you do if you were hurt?
You slowly get back up again and, taking little steps,
you nurture yourself into a place of health.
You take baby-steps into happiness and you learn by experience
that bad things don’t necessarily happen
as a result of feeling good.
If you can’t seem to be happy no matter what you do,
it is NOT your fault.
Stop expecting yourself to suddenly feel good.
This is as cruel and unreasonable
as expecting a person who has been in a high-speed car crash
to suddenly walk.
If you can’t touch happiness,
I want you to reach instead for the feeling of Relief.
No matter where you are on your vibrational and emotional scale,
Relief is something that you have access to.
As if you’re taking baby-steps down a Yellow Brick Road
and you have no idea where that road is headed …
Just keep going in the direction of what feels
a little bit better and a little bit better.
Whether that’s a different thought,
a different word,
or a different action.
The Universe wants only good things for you – and in reality,
all things we experience,
even the unwanted experiences come imbued with invaluable gifts.
You don’t have to recognize those gifts right away.
In fact, youwill notrecognize them right away.
You did not get blind-sided when you were a child
because you were feeling happy.
You were blind-sided by pain as a child
because you were NOT in a safe environment.
Maybe you weren’t in a safe environment, emotionally.
Maybe you weren’t in a safe environment, mentally.
Maybe you weren’t in a safe environment, physically.
The reality is, it wasn’t about the ‘happiness’,
you just didn’t have the awareness back then
of the fact that youwerein an unsafe environment.
You didn’t even know what that meant.
Awareness plus Happiness makes Happiness a safe place to be.
And even if you can not believe it yet,
you deserve that happiness.
You deserve to feel safe, when you feel happy.
It is my hope that you will come to know that one day.
And until then, know that you are NOT alone.
A great many of us on this Earth distrust our Positive Emotion.
A lot of us on this Earth
have no idea what Joy and Happiness is
and have no idea what it would even feel like.
For those of us who feel that way,
our only option is to take tiny steps
in the direction of what feels better
and in the direction of Relief.
Nothing more and nothing less …
♪ Outtro Music ♪
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