What If Mordor Was a Tabletop RPG?

[THUNDER RUMBLING] [RAIN POURING] [MUSIC PLAYING] – Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
once again to Dimension 20 and our first-ever side quest,
Escape From the Bloodkeep. I am your humble dungeon
master, Brennan Lee Mulligan. With me are my
friends, Rekha Shankar. – Hello. Hello. – –Matthew Mercer. – Hello, everyone. – Amy Vorpahl. – Hi. – Mike Trapp. – Hello! – Erika Ishii. – It’s me! – And Ify Nwadiwe. – Your boy. [LAUGHTER] – Well, further ado, we’re going
to begin our very first side quest, a tale of
evil and darkness, Escape From the Blood Keep. Behold a land of ash and shadow,
choked by sunless and starless skies. The vast plains of
[INAUDIBLE] smoking with craters and the breeding
pits of orcish armies. Spiders, wolves, and bats
cover the land of Gorgar. Whose armies seek
to forever stomp out the forces of light
within the world of Elna? Beyond the Bog of Despair
and the towering mountains that surround the Door of
Doom, past even [INAUDIBLE],, the scary volcano, there rises,
endlessly towards the sky, a towering fortress of
vast obsidian might, who seeks to pluck the very stars
from the sky [INAUDIBLE] the Blood Keep. And atop its utmost
spire, the flaming maw of [INAUDIBLE],, Lord of Shadows,
who bends his ceaseless will to the unmaking of the world. Forever stand the keep and
woe betide its foes forever. Within the Blood Keep, this
vast obsidian fortress, where we see our various heroes,
or should I say villains, we are going to soar deep
within the Blood Keep, where [INAUDIBLE] and chains
and crank and orcs call out, trolls lumber, goblins
jitter and scurry about, and spiders spin in their
webs deep, deep, deep in the bowels of
the Blood Keep, lies a chamber of gray marble,
frigid cold and mist and within it, the Pool
of Souls, an oracular pool where the spirits of the
dead commune with the living. Floating within the
Pool of Souls, her eyes rolled back in her head as she
communes with the spirits here, we see the Farseeer the
dark oracle and soothsayer of the forces of darkness,
Efink Murderdeath. Amy would you please describe
your character for us? – [LAUGHS] Yes. She is a high elf. She is a cleric. She’s a beautiful. As an elven person,
it’s very difficult to find any part of her ugly. So she’s pale. Everything’s pale,
pale skin, pale hair. She found that a
little bit too basic and realized that when she
joined the Dark Lord’s forces, a lot of people are
scared of wet hair. [LAUGHTER] So she has leaned in every part
of her, whisping kind of almost Grecian robes that she dangles. They’re all wet. Everything’s just like
very wet all the time. And the hair is in her face. So she’s doing her best to
look I’m scary but actually is always very hot. [LAUGHTER] And when her eyes roll back
in her head, it also is hot. So everything’s hot. But, yeah, I think– oh,
she’s wearing a tiara. And she normally
has a bone with her which is a skull that
she calls her bone. And yeah, that’s
what she looks like. – Wonderful. Efink is floating in
freezing cold water, just barely above the point
where it could become ice. The chill in your
bones eases the passing of your mind’s eye from here
into the realm of spirits. You feel them now
moving around you. [INDISTINCT WHISPERING] (WHISPERING) We see
and we tell all. Let her of the far sight
know that which she wishes. What questions, Queen of Sight,
do you wish to have answered? – And I go full
Galadriel photo negative. [LAUGHTER] And say, we have accomplished
much in this time. What is the next task for
dominion over the realm for our dark lord of shadows? – [ELECTRICAL ARCING SOUNDS]
Mist rises from the water as you see a flaming crown,
the last crown of [INAUDIBLE],, a talisman which contains all
of his vast and mighty powers. [ELECTRICAL ARCING SOUNDS] You
feel spirits fleeing from far and wide, (WHISPERING)
we search, Your Highness, we search as well we
may. (INHALE DEEPLY) And you see the spirits of
these three sort of Norns appear around you,
Abaseel, Azra, and Orgra. (WHISPERING) My Queen, we
have searched and searched. The crown– – No, no! Abaseel is my favorite. You speak. [LAUGHTER] – You see the Abaseel goes, OK. [LAUGHTER] – Yes, your flattery of me
last time did not go unnoticed. – [INAUDIBLE],, you of the
far sight, Efink Murderdeath, when you roll your eyes back
in your head, it’s super cool. Everyone loves it. You look resplendent when you go
all black and white like that. I mean, people just die. – Yes, that is what
you said last time. [LAUGHTER] – You see that she says, the
crown yet lies in shadow. Though the Vinguri hunt for
it with all of their terrible will. But a vision for you. This is the final for the forces
of your light, you father. [ELECTRICAL ARCING SOUNDS] And you see Telmeir the
Calm, the Lord of Carebledwen rallies now with
and the Ranger of the North. – Oh, [BLEEP]. Get that nine, man of my life. – I am sorry. We can only tell you
what may come to pass. I know that if it
were in our power to make you not have to run
in with your ex, we for sure would. – Thank you, [INAUDIBLE]. – I’m Azra. She’s Ogdra. This is Abaseel. – Yes, Abaseel is my favorite. – I had a hard time– I know. I don’t make as much of
an impressions as Abaseel. Abaseel goes, no, you’re trying. It’s all good. [LAUGHTER] – Abaseel caresses your cheek
and whispers in your ear and says, (WHISPERS) My Lady,
though your father and your, I guess, still husband– – Oh, [INAUDIBLE]. – Sorry. – Ah! – Ah! Ah! Zapped by your power. Wah! – [INAUDIBLE] your
queen [INAUDIBLE]!! – Ah! You see Azra goes,
[EXHALING LOUDLY] OK, it’s Azra’s time to shine. Let’s do it. He steps up to you. You hear, (WHISPERING)
this is the day when the Lord of Shadows forever
conquer the world of men, elves, and dwarves. His ground shall be
reclaimed this day, My Lady. [INHALES] [GASPS] And you awake in your pool. [WATER DRIPPING] [LAUGHTER] – Is there anyone
around to share this? I climb out. Yeah, I definitely climb
out, pick my wedgie. [LAUGHTER] – Go ahead and give me
either arcana or religion. – That was Abaseel,
Azra, and Orga? – Orgra. – Orgra. We will do– you
want religion or– – Religion or arcana, whatever
you think your character would use for their
oracular ability. – Oracular– yeah,
i think arcana. – Go on. Go for it. – Let’s just do that. So that is a dirty 20. – A dirty 20, hell,
yeah, love it. As you step out of
the pool, you get a vision in your mind of
someone sort of nearby to you. You foresee yourself
walking from the halls here, someone else that
stays in the bowels of the tower with you. You’re quite near Lilith’s
cavern [INAUDIBLE].. – Oh, perfect. – You’re quite near
Lilith’s cavern. Also with that dirty 20,
you have one final flash of insight. You’re not quite
sure what it is. It doesn’t feel like
your other visions, if I’m being honest,
because this one doesn’t make you feel good about
yourself and positive. And your best
visions are the ones that psych you up and make
you feel good about yourself. – Mm. – You see a weird– – Then what I do is, there’s
a mirror as you exit the pool, and I have a moment with the
mirror because, well, this is– have you ever– well, have you ever done
like a bath or one of those– I don’t know– – Sensory deprivation? – –sensory deprivation tanks,
and you’re like, wow, OK, everything is normal and cool. And then you walk out. There are these mirrors. And you’re like, oh, [BLEEP]
my corporeal body is still, you know. [LAUGHTER] It’s still and
awkward [BLEEP] unit. [INTERPOSING VOICES] [LAUGHTER] – [INAUDIBLE] dust and mud. – When you were in
the Pool of Souls, your hair was flowing in this
crazy [BLEEP] awesome thing. And now it’s like, just like
on the side of your face. And you’re looking at
yourself, drip, drip, drip. – Everything’s sticking to me! – I forgot my Spanx. – You grab your staff, stolen
from the Wizard Randolph. And you hold it, and you look
at yourself there in the mirror. And you see for a
minute a vision that occurs in just a slight moment. And there’s a pang of urgency. But this is the kind
of vision that you don’t like because it
bums you out a little bit. And it’s confusing. You like visions that are clear. – Then I might
interpret that maybe as if my father is
about to die, then maybe, yeah, that doesn’t
make me feel great. But I can’t talk. – Yeah, it could be that. It could be some weird
thing where you’re like, these spirits are
trying to mess with you on your big day or
something like that. But you see an
image, for a moment, of Zaul’nazh as a younger
[INAUDIBLE] spirit back when he was fully corporeal
and had a body. And you see him at
a fountain of blood. And you don’t know
its significance. And it doesn’t appear to
be telling you anything. But you just get that
vision for a second. – And looking at it,
standing near it? – Yeah, you’re
not in the vision, just in the mirror
for a moment you– it comes like a flash so
quickly that you could almost be like after effect
of the cool vision where I found out we
were going to win? Or it’s sort of like
some weird [BLEEP].. But with that 20, you do
get a little moment of that. And then Lilith is
further on down the hall. We’re going to cut over now
of [SHATTERING SOUND] shadows, as the oracle strides down
the hallways that become more and more covered in cobwebs. [LAUGHTER] Following shadows, we hear the
screams of dancing goblins. And the screams begin to
morph, [SNORTING SNARLS] growls and [HOWLING] howls. And we move away from the
beautiful masonry obsidian into rough-hewn red
rock and the stink of midden heaps
and hay and blood and bones and snarling beasts. We are at the Worg Pits, where
we see goblin wolves snarling at each other. We see that there is a lumbering
troll with an enormous wagon of loose body parts
from orcs and goblins that have died in
industrial hazards, so like a severed lamb’s
head, stuff like that. The orc is moving along. And we hear hungry
scraping, as worgs try to come up and
get out of their pits. We see also that there are some
chained drakes and wiverns. We see enormous [INAUDIBLE],,
like prehistoric, 30-foot tall musk oxen with crazy
piercing in their nose that are all chained
up elsewhere. It smells worse here than it
does anywhere else in this [INAUDIBLE]. [LAUGHTER] It is feeding time
at the Beast Pits. And of course, directing
the way of the limb wagon is the one-and-only
Sokhbarr the Boglord. – Hello. [LAUGHTER] – Mike, please tell us what
your character’s up to. – Yes. So this is Sokhbarr the Boglord. He is of Kshi race. For the viewers at home, we just
skinned it onto a half worg. But– [LAUGHTER] He is an ancient, prehistoric
weird swamp creature, like horns and turtle shell
and sort of crocodilean teeth, big, kind of, like lizard,
goat crazy [BLEEP],, the nightmare creature
from the swamp, big, strong, two
big, old axes, Yeah. I guess I’m here directing
and just grabbing some of these limbs and doing
that thing like, if you’ve ever seen people with a lot of
pets that go, [INAUDIBLE],, OK, OK, everyone’s
going to some. – [SNARLING] – Calm down, Jessica. Calm down. Here you go. Here you go. Everyone just [INAUDIBLE]. OK. OK. Jump. Jump. – [SNARLING] – You see that,
yeah, this is insane. There’s a bunch of [BLEEP]
[INAUDIBLE] that come over that peel their flesh so [INAUDIBLE]
exposed skulls are gnawing at it. All of these beasts that
wish only terrible harm on all living things. Just love Sokhbarr. – Sings them a little song. – And say, oh, there’s
something in your teeth. What’s that? [LAUGHTER] – See there’s a full
finger bone in there. [PANTING] – Oh, that had to have hurt. [LAUGHTER] – You hear a bounding
noise nearby. You’re just feeding
all these beasts that are kind of getting
prepared to go to war. The vibe in the
Beast Pits right now is like the worgs are
going to be released. The [INAUDIBLE] are going to
lead these siege weapons here. You’re preparing for the final
push of the Armies of Gorgar finally flooding out
into the free world. And you hear this,
[GALLOPING],, and you see that this enormous
worg rolls up to you. This is one of the few worgs
that can actually talk here. You see this worg named
Beso runs up and goes, ay, this is Beso. Master Sokhbarr, you’re
not going to believe it. I think– I think J’er’em’ih
about to give birth. – What? – I think he’s
about to give birth. – Where is he? – He says, come on, come on! You see the troll go, [BABBLING]
and points to the limb wagon. – I’m sorry. I didn’t catch that truly. What was that? – [BABBLING] – Yeah, you know what? Just throw the limbs around,
make sure everyone gets some. – [BABBLING] He just starts
hurling limbs just willy nilly all over the ground. You rush over to the wonderful
J’er’em’ih, your animal companion, the last scream
beast that you rescued from their possible
death, the extinction of J’er’em’ih’s species
and your bonding moment, all those long years ago. You see that J’er’em’ih,
who looks just hellish, he is quadripedal kind of
but is like a lizard, frog, beaked squid, crab. He’s got prehensile eyes
stocks for his two eyes to move around. And his head is like
a weird blowfish, and it kind of
inflates a little bit. He’s got a beak on
the front of it. And he’s got two
wings but can’t fly because the wings are like
atrophied and too small, and two tails, hooves. And he’s got a pair
of clawed hands above his hips on his
hind legs with no arms so they can’t reach anything
unless he moves his butt up against them. He’s got, like, butt hands. [LAUGHTER] But you see over– – It’s so majestic. [LAUGHTER] I can’t believe these
creatures [INAUDIBLE] gone from the Earth. [INTERPOSING VOICES] – You see that J’er’em’ih,
his head is just swelling enormously. He’s over in his pen right now. There’s a bunch of dead
goblin parts around of goblins he’s been eating. And you see he just
is going [ULULATING].. – J’er’em’ih, you
doing OK there, buddy? – [ULULATING] [LAUGHTER] Go ahead and give me either a
medicine or an animal handling check. – Great. Let’s do that. 11 plus 8, so 19. – 19, perfect. So you lean down. You start to stroke him. You help J’er’em’ih
start to breathe. Birth is a very difficult
process for scream beasts because number one, they
mostly don’t give birth to other scream beasts. And they also have
no birth canal. So they have a functioning
womb, but no way for the thing in
there to get out. [LAUGHTER] – These things should
exist definitely. – It’s a tragedy
that so many people have tried to wipe these
things from the Earth. [LAUGHTER] – Can’t [INAUDIBLE]
help and [INAUDIBLE]?? – [INAUDIBLE] pulling it out. – You do see that
the butt hands appear to be flailing for something. They want– – I put some ice chips in there. – You see them start to
rub ice chips on the back. And you see that a bunch
of just huge blisters start to form on his
[BLEEP] from the ice, like the ice is burning him. But he seems to like it. Scream beasts are
hard to understand. You see that his head swells
and swells and swells even more. And you see Beso looks
on and says, crikey, that’s just beautiful to watch. Look at him. [GASPS] And you see
the head swells, and a little seam bursts on top
his head and [STEAM WHISTLE] just green poison steam escape,
truly sounds like a train approaching. [LAUGHTER] And you see that
a fully-formed– it looks like a
goblin-crustacean-centaur, with a goblin torso
on top of a crab body, but with two goblin heads. One of them has
eyes and no mouth, and the other head just
has a mouth and no eyes. And you see this thing scuttles
out of J’er’em’ih’s head. And you see that the one that
has no eyes goes, what am I? – Oh, buddy. – What am I? – OK, so here’s
the thing, right? Somewhere in the world,
someone had a nightmare and imagined you. And now you’re just given
birth into the real world. Gosh. All right, well, you know what? Do I have anymore the
goblin parts or anything? – Yes, you do. – Ah. here. Here, here, have some of these. – You give a pair
of goblin eyes. And you see that
the one with eyes grabs a little sharp
rock off the ground and stabs two holes in the
front of the other goblin’s face and jams the eyes in there. And you see that
they’re not eye sockets. It’s just bleeding holes
in the front of his head but now has sort of
blood-covered eyes in there and goes, [GRUNTS]
I was just born? Um. – J’er’em’ih, it’s a boy. [LAUGHTER] J’er’em’ih. – You see J’er’em’ih looks
over at the thing and goes, ooh and muzzles your chest and
begins to cry out of his eyes stocks with just a sort of
maternal-slash-paternal pride. And you see that Beso
looks over and says, right, so now you
were just born. So we’re going to
get you a name soon. But number one, [OMINOUS VOICE]
who do you serve? And he’s like, I just got here! Who do you serve? – Go on, who do you serve? [LAUGHTER] – He looks around. And the one with
no mouth kind of looks and shrugs
with its one arm. And you see it goes,
Zaul’nazh Lord of Shadows? – Oh, my god, yeah, Zaul’nazh. [INTERPOSING VOICES] – No, I think I get it. OK, I serve Zaul’nazh. All right, I’m going to get
some kind of weird weapon. You see it [SCUTTLING]
scuttles off. And you see J’er’em’ih kind of
cries and dabs its eyes on its own fur. – Hey, buddy, go on. Somewhere, sometime,
someone is going to have a nightmare
about a scream beast. There’ll be another scream
beast in this world. – [ULULATING] you? See that Beso looks
over you and says, well, I think it’s
really been a banner day for the forces of darkness. I would say this,
though, I don’t want to get your
hopes up, but there’s been a rumor that a species
that we thought was gone might be back. – What? – Some of the worgs came
back from long patrol, and they said that
there was a dropping. And you see he brings you
over to a concrete onyx turd the size of a house. – Oh, my god. – That looks like
lavamog waste to me. – Oh. Hell, yeah. [LAUGHTER] Can I maybe like chip into it
or investigate it do some– I feel like– – Yeah. – Yeah, get sense of like,
yeah, this is some sort of– – Go ahead and give
me [INAUDIBLE].. – Cool. That is an 8 plus 6, so 14. – You chip into it a little bit. And [SPLURT] a splurt,
a lava comes out. It’s for sure a lavamog. Lavamogs are truly
colossal size. They rival dragons
in terms of size. They are not aquatic. They are volcanic. So they swim and live in magma. But we thought the
last of them were gone. The last lavamog probably was
not seen since Zaul’nazh was like corporeal. But this is like
a fresh lavamog. – This is really something. This is great. This is great. Because if there’s
more of these, that means we can start
a breeding program. We can get more
and more lavamogs. We can make the
whole world overrun with more lavamogs, if we want. [LAUGHTER] – You see that Beso goes,
all right, [INAUDIBLE].. This is amazing! I mean, [INAUDIBLE]. – Where did they find this? – They found it– well,
[INAUDIBLE] out near the scary volcano. – Scary volcano. – You hear up above
you, [SCREECH].. And you begin to see wiverns
circling the top of the tower. The Vinguri are returning. And you can see that their
wiverns look extremely tired and look worn for wear
and hungry out there. – He’s always riding
those wiverns too hard. [LAUGHTER] He just treats them
as a thing and not like I was like–
oh, god, all right. – You see Beso says, look
out, take care of the womens. I’ll talk about
this later with you. [INAUDIBLE] Beso runs off. And with that, in the gathering
storm clouds above the Blood Keep five [INAUDIBLE]
with five dark riders circle the Blood Keep, armor
and robes tattered and rotting. The visage is empty and
hollow, Knights of Undeath. And first and foremost among
them Kraz-thun, the Umbra Knight, astride
his mighty wivern, with Griefmaker the
Rune Blade of Sorrow, this King of the Pactwraths. Matt, could you describe
your character for us? – Yes. [LAUGHTER] As the majestic
en-shadowed wivern lands atop the kind of
obsidian shelf that sits astride the top of the high
peak of the Blood Keep, you watch as Kraz-thun, upper
chest and torso emblazoned with dark, black iron armor
that comes to a series of dozens of hooks and sharp edges. You can see the blackened robes
flowing as the wind pushes back, this singular helmet
self-crowned with about eight or nine sharpened spires
that kind of hook backward. From within you can see
the very, very faint slits of metallic armor that
leaves kind of these vacuous spaces, where there’s
a dull blue glow where the eyes should be. As it steps off of the
wivern, his feet heavily, [PUNKOOSH] onto
the obsidian floor, tosses the chain to
one of the nearby orcs and begins to step towards the
entrance to the tower spire. – Usually the other Vinguri
[INAUDIBLE] and fall into rank about behind you. The doors, with no
need for servants, open for you in this
place as you walk. Not only do you walk, but
you glide several inches above the ground, manifested
by the you might of your fealty to the Lord of Shadows. You and the other Vinguri
move through this place. And even with all the dark
creatures that dwell here, things do their best to
avoid the Vinguri, especially after a hunt. You see that Torbale
looks over to you and goes, [SIGHING]
we are this close. I mean, we are truly this close. – I know. And I understand this, Declan. But– sorry,
Torbale, my opponent. – He looks around says,
I don’t see the goblins. [INAUDIBLE] – [INAUDIBLE] [LAUGHTER] – You see that actually that
Miles looks over you and says, Leiland, I just have to say it. And I think we should take
a moment because I think that we’ve been taking
the fact that we haven’t found the crown
very hard on ourselves. And the fact that you managed
to catch that halfling in the shoulder when we
were fighting those ruins– – Oh, I remember. And I was very proud
of that moment. – Well, I should
think we should– and you see the other four
wraiths all kind of give a little golf clap. – Thank you. And as he pulls
his helmet off, you can see the long silvery
hair strands kind of gently– they don’t quite hit
the top of the armor. They kind of drift a few
inches off of the edge and lift in their incorporeal
way, shakes it back a bit, kind of except with the dull
grin the applause before going, and I appreciate that. But little victories don’t
make for an overall success. Until that crown is found,
well, we’re a failure. I’m a failure. – No, Leiland, no. And you see they come around
you and put their hands on you. And they go, you’re
not a failure. You’ve been given
a very hard task. Cassara the Beige,
[INAUDIBLE],, all of them are trying their
best to stop us. Look, we all got destroyed
by a magic river. That’s hard. And we went back at it,
I mean, a day later. [LAUGHTER] – You’re right. No, you’re right. You’re right. – I just hate to see
you beat yourself up. And you see that Oswald
speaks up and says, Leiland, honestly, you
can’t beat yourself up about this stuff. If you are going
to beat yourself up after actually managing to wound
the halfling and curse him, I mean, what am I going
to do with myself? That ranger threw a
torch right into my head. It went all the way into
the empty spot in my helmet. – Yes. No I’m thinking maybe we need
to discuss reworking the shape and design of our helmets. – Yeah. [LAUGHTER] [INTERPOSING VOICES] – There’s a first
time for everything. But we are learning creatures,
sentient above that of men. – Yes. – We can wear things
that cover our faces. – That’s what I’m trying to say. You see that the other
Pactwraths shake their heads and say, well, it’s
really rather hard. And Toby looks over to you
and says, [SIGHS] well, look, how about this, we can
beat ourselves up all we like that we haven’t
found the crown yet. But wind’s on our side. We managed to drive
them to [INAUDIBLE].. – This is true. – We are poised to have our
armies flood into Old Tyriath and destroy Torkel
and the City of Stars. – I did manage to
destroy Cassara’s staff. [LAUGHTER] As it shattered into 100 pieces. I can still hear the
sound echoing in my ears. – That was incredible. That was really– – [INAUDIBLE] just
as a keepsake. – Really? – Yes, yes. I’m not very good at it. – You see that Oswald goes,
[GASP] Leiland, your line work. – Thank you. I’ve been trying to
cross hatch recently. – It’s incredible. – It brings depth to a
two-dimensional piece I had never accepted before. – You see that Declan
goes, well, it’s always about perspective. I mean, that’s
what you’re trying to do is you’re trying
to capture those objects. What I love about your
work is it’s dynamic. It’s not a logistical drawing. It’s capturing a moment. – Right. And the musculature
still escapes me. But I think the overall
emotion of the scene is the most important thing. – You see that Declan says, I
mean, muscular escapes us all. [LAUGHTER] Well, we’re going to go
wait in cold, dark rooms to be called upon again. – Yes, you do that. – You see they say, bye,
Leiland. (WHISPERING) Good luck with the boss. Let us know how it goes. – Thank you. And thank you. – You see they all
glide away from you. You see Sokhbarr come up, just
bring the wiverns back down to the cages. Yeah. You see Kraz-thun having
this little art conversation with his buddies over there. [LAUGHTER] – It’s like take
some responsibility. [LAUGHTER] – Thank you, Sokhbarr. Really appreciate it. – Yeay, yeah. You know you need
to feed them, right? [LAUGHTER] – That’s not my job. [LAUGHTER] – As you grab the
wiverns, the wiverns nuzzle you, Sokhbarr and
try to sting your shell. And you glide away. We drop all the way down
deep, deep, deep in the tower to a place where any goblins or
orcs who draw breath here only do so from webbed cocoons,
where spiders wait to feast. Deep in one of the few on
un-worked caverns in the bowels of the Blood Keep stalactites
stalagmites abounding to create lovely
little places for webs to catch curious flies that
would venture down here. An enormous shape, glistening
black, armored carapace, and the visage of the
Queen of Spiders, Lilith, in a bed of webs, wakes
from restful slumber. Erika, could you describe
your character for us? – Lilith, the vile
temptress, whose shadow webs ensnared
kingdoms, she wakes up, and she tosses her long
flowing black tresses. You see her pale, delicate
elven features and slender torso and great rack. [LAUGHTER] – Oh, quake in terror
of her great rack. – It is spoken of
throughout the land. And then you see her [INAUDIBLE]
pulls out from her bed of webs and her vile, monstrous,
creeping spider abdomen rears up. And she wears– she
dons her imposing crown that is en-wrought
with darkness itself and puts on a very
bondage-y outfit. [LAUGHTER] And, of course, she
grabs the wine glass, fumbles for and grabs the
wine glass next to the bed and pours herself some
of Tyriath’s best red. [LAUGHTER] – As Lilith looks
around, you begin to, though it’s very fuzzy,
both from the amount of wine consumed the previous night– you remember coming
down to your cavern with this truly gorgeous
half work named Rossfon. – [SIGHS] – I mean, this guy
was built. He was one of these like half works
who just abs and obliques and the whole thing, barbarian. – Amazing rack. – Yeah. [LAUGHTER] – Radical rack. [LAUGHTER] – The first thing you
noticed about him. – And one of those guys
that has all the orc– has the strong jaw
and the hot tusks, but then those flinty
blue eyes, just like, ah. And around, and you and Rossfon,
you thought, really hit it off. And you don’t see
him anywhere around. – [SPUTTERING] Last
night was so incredible. I was incredible. [LAUGHTER] Wasn’t I? Well, this happened again! It just keeps happening. They’re intimidated. They’re intimidated
by my prowess as an arch general and
my 10,000 shadow brood. – As soon as you say
10,000 shadow brood, you hear a voice
outside saying, mom? Can we come in? – Mommy needs five minutes. Please? – OK. Some of the orcs in the webs
are getting super liquid. Can we just eat early? – Just help yourselves. You’re big boys and girls now. – OK. Uh, by the way, some of
the treasure out here, Ross and Jason are
playing with it. And they’re– – That’s fine. Tell them to distribute it
amongst some of the teenagers. – So they do have
to share, right? – Yes, yes, they have to share. Sharing is caring. You all know this. – OK. I love you, mom. [SCUTTLING] – I just– why am I
so bloated and full. I didn’t even eat
anything last night. [LAUGHTER] – This always happens. She picks the pieces
of what may be like a tusk out of her teeth. Where does that come from? [LAUGHTER] Another one bites the dust. – As Lilith exits and begins
to [SLITHERING] massive spider legs carrying her out into the
larger caverns of the Spider Queen, you see that your
thousands upon thousands of children skitter about. The little ones, who are
about the size of just normal spiders, are all kind
of screaming and yelling. They’re like, hi, mom,
crawling up on your body. You see that Jessa comes up
to you, one of your daughters, and goes, hey, mom, should we
save some orc for your friend? – Oh, Jessa, your new,
uh, uncle, well, he went and got breakfast
on his own, I suppose. – You see that she
looks over to– she looks over to Kyle and goes,
like, [SIGHS] I’m sorry, mom. Honestly, he’s trash. And if he doesn’t get
it, truly his loss. And love you, mom. – Jessa, you’re mommy’s
special little girl. One day you will grow up,
and you will wreak havoc on some very lucky kingdom. – [LAUGHING] Aw, mom, I’d be
happy just wreaking havoc with you. And you sees that she
skitters off somewhere. You see Kyle looks
over and says, yeah, I mean, we were, like,
watching out the whole night. So he didn’t make it out
to through the front. So he just [BLEEP]
teleported, I guess. I don’t know. – Snuck out in the dead
of night like a thief! – The kids are all
rooting for her. – Mommy’s special friends. – You see your spider
brood is big and large, and getting ready to
go make the final push. You see that one of your teeny
tiniest little guys, Russell– Russell comes up and looks
at you and says, mom, are we going to defeat the
world’s [INAUDIBLE] elves today? – Russell, darling–
it may not be today, it may not be
tomorrow, but soon. Soon. And of course, we will ready
to amass all of your brethren! Every one of our
kin shall darken the land with our shadows and
our vile, creeping carapices! – Darken the land! Darken the land! Darken the land! And you see that Russell looks
up and says, is it true that– do you always work for
the lord of shadows, mom? – Oh darling, no,
it wasn’t always so. You see, after daddy
up and disappeared, your mother had to go
back to the work force. And well, back in
the day, you all know the tales of eating the
light of the luminite and– – You see that Jason
interrupts, and goes, ugh, mom, you’re hurting. Ate the luminutes? – Yes, it was a very big
deal back in mommy’s day! – Whatever! Spiders my age don’t
even care about that! I don’t care, like OK. You ate some lights
a long time ago. Like, how do I eat lights now? – They work the star
forges that forged all of the light in the sky! It was a very big deal! Just sit and listen! – You see that Justice says,
like, guys, stop ragging momma. She’s had a hard time! You see that Russell says, they
just– they did all the lights? Is the sun– did
they do the sun too? Or just the stars? – Just the stars. – So you see Jason goes,
so not all the lights. Not all the lights. – Listen, when you grow up
and you have terrifying shadow kin of your own,
you just see how you would like it if they
don’t listen to your stories! – He says, fine, whatever, I’m
not even going to have kids. I’m going to go out
into some mountain pass somewhere, and just
eat a bunch of orcs. He skitters off. You hear approaching footsteps. And Efink you arrive
here at Lily’s table. – So, how did it go? – Oh, Efink, another
one ran out on me. I just don’t know what I’m– no, it’s not me that’s
fault. It’s them. – No, that’s right. And your children were
appropriately supportive. [LAUGHTER] – An honest communication about
mommy’s social life, I think, is good for them. It’s very healthy. I just don’t feel– you have to deal with all this
sort of thing all the time, don’t you? I mean– – I will say that marriage
has its own problems. But no, I do not
have to deal with– no– no, never mind. And in fact, never mind forever. [LAUGHTER] I did want to actually
ask you a question. I have received a vision from
my specters in my soul pool. – Oh, a vision! – I know what you’re thinking. This one was real. [BLEEP], yes, [BLEEP] indeed. I received a vision of the
fall of my [BLEEP] father. – Oh, but congratulations. – Thank you, no, the
dark lord shall take him. And take his crown
and [INAUDIBLE].. – Yes, he is a
centaur, everything. Worked out just fine for
Lord Z as it always does. – You know I would put you
in his place in an instant. Snap of my fingers. Snap of my beautiful
fingers and you’re there. – They’re very sticky, yes. Thank you. But really, yes! Yes, yes, yes. Well, what does this mean? What shall we do? – It means ultimate
dominion over the realm. However, I received another
emotional response to this. Which, as you know, is
not favorable, really. I got a feeling of, oh no. – Oh no like as in
a (DRAMATIC) oh no! Or as in a (HUSHED) oh no! – Like, we shall take over
the land, and give the crown– – Yes, yes. – And then this
feeling of [BLEEP].. Like, oh no– I don’t know how else to
describe that feeling. – Well, I’m sure it
was nothing, surely. Our victory is assured. We have all of this in the bag! – Do you think Abaseel and Azra
and Orga are messing with me? – Oh no! They’re always so supportive! – I know, they flatter me. But maybe it’s because
I am the dark queen. – Well, sure. With power comes a certain set
of sycophants and the like. But no, surely– – How do I know people
love you the way that your children
just love you? – You guys hear up above
us– you have a moment of vulnerability. Boom! Boom! Of being called to the council. – Oh, the drums are sounding
in the deep again, I think. – How meta am I? [LAUGHTER] – Woosh! Zoom all the way back,
up through the wood keep. To a room in a spire off of the
main column of the Bloodkeep. And this is not a city. This is ruby red, made of
beautiful fiery gemstone. The most gorgeous shimmering
tower you’ve ever seen. The very, very top is a
beautifully appointed room, with flaming curtains
and a four post bed. And the most beautiful
artwork in gold everywhere. And a massive warhammer
leaning against the fireplace. And sitting in a beautiful– no [INAUDIBLE],, this beautiful
cushion, is our friend Maggie. Rekha, could you please
describe Maggie for us? – Yes. I am a tiefling barbarian. I am 6 feet tall, which
is tall for a woman. I look very muscular,
very strong. But I dress like a librarian. Like, a cardigan and very
nice slacks, cordoruy pants. I have a little locket. And I love romance and love. And there’s lots
of hellish romance novels on my bedside table. Yeah. It’s sort of like the
physical I’m from hell. It’s a thing people
always ask me about. Like, if you’re from a
famous city in a movie, and they only ask you
the same three things that they always
know about hell. So I find it very
tiring and annoying to answer questions about it. I live in my father’s
shadow a bit. My father is Gogmoth,
who’s the lord of evil. – The original god
of evil that created Zaul’nazh and everything else. – Yes. So people always ask
me, and try to get favor from the forces of evil
based on his accomplishments and not my own. Trying to make my
own name for myself. I’m the girlfriend of Zaul’nazh,
which is like I’m following my heart. But at the same time, you
know, stop asking about him. [LAUGHTER] – You see that behind you
is your handmaiden, Sistra. Who is a cyclops hag. She is one-eyed with scraggly
hair, this onyx blue, like blue lapis
lazuli kind of skin. Sort of like hermits
robe around her. And she is just combing your
long beautiful flaming hair. And you see that– you’re looking at yourself and
her behind you in a mirror. And you see she goes, I have
to say, you look radiant today! – Thanks. I don’t feel radiant. – Maggie! Why? – I feel like– I don’t know. Is my hair falling out? – You see that she
says do you want it to? That’s a thing that was
into the spotty, leper look. – No, I’m– [LAUGHTER] I’m just so stressed. So I’m just like, you know,
Zaul’nazh, ever since he got crushed into a mouth, and now
he’s a giant flaming mouth, things have never been the same. – Awful. When that awful [INAUDIBLE]
half-elven smashed his head with a mace– – Yes, I remember, I remember! It was– I don’t
know, I just wonder if things are a little
different between us now. And– I don’t know. – Well, I mean you
think he’s going to pop the question after the
world of man, elves, and dwarfs calls us. – I mean, I hope so. I’ve been waiting for it! And I’ve imagined every
scenario in my mind. But what if he
doesn’t, you know? Sometimes I have that thought. It makes me want to punch
myself in the face, which would kill me. [LAUGHTER] – She looks at you
and says, listen– and here’s the thing. – Tell me. – Zaul’nazh hears all. And me speaking out against
him literally forfeits my life. Even that being said, if
he doesn’t pop the question to you, he’s [BLEEP] crazy. – He’d be crazy! Right? I mean– – You are a capital C, catch! – Thank you! Thank you! And I tell him that. And I know that! When I look in the mirror and
I see myself, I know that. But, you know, you never know. You never know. Things can change. – Listen– let me
tell you something. I’ve been around a lot. I’ve been around a long time. And I’ve seen
people come and go. All right, and Zaul’nazh, back
in the early days when he was going around– – Yes, I remember. Disgusting. – Disgust. – Disgusting. – He looks at you– – Stop. – –like he looks
at nobody else. – Stop. – And for me to be
able to tell that when he has no eyes or face,
that means something. – Thank you. And you kno– I’m sorry I never ask you
about your personal life. I kinda just talk
only about my stuff. – No! Oh my god, listen– at my age, I’m just happy
to catch up on the gossip. [LAUGHTER] – Excellent. – My partner is a
pool of shadow sludge. – Oh! That’s sweet. Well– – So it’s all– you
know, nothing to report. It’s sort of like,
yeah, things are good. They’re still in the area
of space they occupy. So– – Yeah. I want what you have. – Wipes a tear from the
center eye of her face. And She goes, that is so sweet. Listen– you guys have
all been hoofing it. – Hmm. – And it’s going to work out. – Thanks. He is really the
love of my life. – And he– and
here’s the thing– that’s something
rare and special. And once he’s gone to the
world of men and elves, you know you got to tell
him, you got to take him. This is on your wedding night. – Mm-hmm. Uh- oh! – And this is where you’ll
have more than a mouth to work. – Trust me, I don’t need it! – Ah! – You’re so bad! You are evil! [PUNCHING SOUND EFFECTS] – Yeah. Sista looks badly injured,
and she’s like, I love it! I love it! – I think it passes the Bechdel
test if two women are talking about a man while fighting. [LAUGHTER] – You see– you begin to
hear boom, ba-ba-boom-boom, boom ba-ba boom. A council being called in
the throne room of Zaul’nazh. – Oh no. I think I have to go. – All right. She prints a couple more things,
she says, you look gorgeous. OK. And I’ll say this as well– he’s going through a lot. He’s stressed. He’s got a lot on his mind. – Yes. – He’s got to get
that crown back. Once he does– and
he’s going to– – Yeah. – You look at him,
wedding night. Before you do what you’re about
to do, you say, listen, buddy– you had your turn. Now, married, you support me. And then you– – I’m going to do
what I want to do. – Yes! It’s time for your career. – It’s time for my career. I follow him around to every
little hell mouth on earth, doing what he wants. – I’m excited to see what the
dark lady Maggie has in store. Muah, you look great. – Thank you! – And you– and we– woosh! As Maggie heads towards
the throne room. Boom! Over to the other
side of the Bloodkeep, where a jet black
ship covered in skulls is moored with chains and
ropes to a balcony hundreds of feet above the ground. A sky ship, covered in the most
fearsome corsairs the world has ever seen. With jewels bedecked with gold,
magical blades at their side. This is the Siren, the flagship
of the forgotten fleet. And we see loads and
loads of gunpowder, cannons marked with
runes, magical artillery, all being provided gratis due
to the extremely extracting contract of Marcus
Simmons, the unseen blade. If you could describe
Marcus for us. – Yeah. Marcus Saint Vincent,
the unseen blade, master of the forgotten fleet, and
victim of a stolen throne. He sits in the lower decks
of his dope [BLEEP] ship, the Siren. And he sits back with his crew. He has to his righthand
side Anne of Kilkathery. Ol’ Pickering down doing stuff. And Bad Henry is sitting
right behind him. And he sits draped
with his hood up, as he has this marbled
gold and silver skull mask covering his face. All you can see is his dreaded
beard coming down from it. As a matter of fact, he
is taking some black wax, and really tightening up. And he is draped kind
of in this hooded cloak. But under it, you can
see just a little bit of royal captain’s outfit. So it’s almost like he just
threw a cloak over that. But it’s old, ragged. It’s been a while. He hasn’t been home
for a long time. And through the
sleeves of his cloak, you see nice studded gold rings. You really don’t know how he
fights with all of this stuff, because it’s just
too extravagant. Like if this realm had
a rapper, he’d be it. And he sits with
his arms crossed, as Ol’ Pickering is standing
in front of him with receipts. And they’re just basically
going over inventory as they get ready to
go through the day. – You’re running
through with Bad Harry. You see that standing
before you is this little sort of treasury
magistrate from the onyx vault named Privo. He’s like a little
goblin in a little jet black suit, little gold
accoutrements on it. He’s got a long scroll
and looking at it. He says, yes, Captain
Saint Vincent. There are some discrepancies– number of cannon–
couldn’t your contract– it seems we’re fulfilling
this– we need– the actual Bloodkeep will be
left with no arcane cannon if you take the amount
that you have plotted– – It’s very true, but if
you have us protecting this, you won’t need arcane cannons. As long as we have
all those cannons, not a hair will be
touched on your dark lord. As a matter of fact,
with the ship being here, nothing is happening
to your dark lord. – Ah. Yes. I understand. The only thing,
Captain Saint Vincent, is that you have a
stipulation in your contract that the Siren is to be allowed
to loot the city of Tor Kalin when soever it falls,
which should be today. – Oh. I like when you say that. Say it one more time. – OK. I’m saying it as a problem. Because the ship obviously can’t
be here defending the Bloodkeep if it is looting the
city of Tor Kalin. See that Bad Henry
behind you goes, captain, I don’t know if I
like this goblin much. I would like to do
bad things to him. – Yeah, yeah. But if we start doing bad things
to people who owe us money, we won’t get the money. – Anne nods and kind of
laughs, and she puts up a big seven-lead boot leg on
this chest of treasure. And she says, right, pretty boy,
so let me get this straight. You’re asking us to remain
here, even though we are contractually allowed
to take flight and head off in the direction
of Tor Kalin, Where are all the jewels of the
ancient empire Tyriath remain. Am I to understand that the
dark lord is breaching contract? Ooh. Priva goes, (NERVOUSLY
LAUGHING) I didn’t say that! What I was saying
was I was remarking, the contract is
written in such a way that we are putting all of our
defensive cannon on your ship. And then the ship is
allowed to leave to go make more money elsewhere. – Oh, OK. But you talking about cannons. Don’t you have like
a hot spider lady? What else– you got, like– you got, like, this skull,
like, dark dead night dude who’s riding on dragon. And you’ve got the devil lady
with a big [BLEEP] hammer! Like, you don’t need– you don’t need– you
don’t need the cannons! You got– you got what you got! Now you guys bein’ extra. You know? Then that beast
dude, you know, he’s going to come up front
to eat the scraps. You know? He’s up there– you
don’t need cannons! The cannons are excessive. And I’m just taking
them off your hands, so you got less stuff to do
when we move into wherever new kingdom you take over. – Bad Henry goes, the
captain is doing you a favor. – Yeah. – And in fact, I
think we actually have a clause
about favors, where we get paid a prefix rate. – Ooh! Add that to the docket. That’s going to be 500
gold for that favor! – All right. I’m only making it
worse by being here. So I’m going– he says,
I am going to leave. Well, I have failed
in my endeavor in small town [INAUDIBLE]. And he skitters off. You see that Ol’
Pickering comes in with this ancient old corsair. You see he goes, aye, captain,
it’s good to see you again. I’ve made preparations. The Siren is in [INAUDIBLE]. – Yes, he has– – And these cannons
are a pretty penny. And we’ve got about twice
as many as we can use. So we’ll be able to sell
them at a high markup. I mean, there’s
nothing in the contract that says we can’t sell
them to a third party. – Yeah, yeah, no, no. That’s just– you know, like I
said, we’re doing them a favor. – Making money, making money! – You know, look– we
make money, we conquer, in the order I just said. – He looks up at
you and says, aye, and when the world of human
beings falls, we’ll be rich! – Yeah, yeah. Did– you know,
I’ve been meaning to keep asking about
that, like, are we included in that human
being clause of the world being r– you know, I
haven’t thought of that. So– – You see that Anne kind
of scratches her head. And bad Henry sort of goes, mm. We, uh, sided with Gorgar
against every other human in the world. – Yeah. But remember that humans sided
against us when we took off on that scouting mission. Never heard back from
my dad or brother. Lost at sea and air. – You see that Ol’
Pickering– actually, make an insight check for me. – 10. – You see that there’s a
quick look shared between Ol’ Pickering, Anne, and Bad
Henry as they look at each other. – What was that? – What’s that, captain? – What was that look
that you just did? – You see that Anne
says, oy, captain– there’s been word that
along with Cassara the Beige and Telmeir the Calm and
the Ranger of the North that your brother Tavean has
sworn alliance with Tyriath, and will be fighting
at the Door of Doom. – That little punk, [BLEEP]! So he’s going to send me
out, leave me on my own, and the only thing I could
do is join a dark lord. And then he’s going
to side with him? – Your brothers
side against him. He’ll be fighting alongside
the forces of men, elves, and dwarves. – Yean, no, that’s what I meant. I just said it weird. All right. It’ll be– I’ll look at this
as our chance for revenge. – You see, Bad Henry says,
and revenge is a dish best served bad. – Yes, yes, revenge is
a dish best served bad. – You see that Pickering
looks over at Anne, and says, Bad Henry is always
trying to work that angle. So I understand
why he’s doing it. In any case, captain, I
wouldn’t worry yourself. Maybe all the
humans in the world die, and we’re the
last humans left, and we have to run
away from all the orcs, but we’ll be running away rich! – Yes, yes. Don’t think on it too hard. – I’ma try not to! I just– my brother sneaking in
like that, you know, I just– it’s going to weigh heavy on me. – Nods and says, well, we’ll
take The Siren out to Tor Kalin to start the looting. If you remain here,
captain, you’ll collect the largest mercenary
fee in the history of Elena. And pours a drink for
herself, Bad Henry pours a drink for
himself, Pickering pours one for him and you– to being rich. – To being rich! – Boom, ba-ba, boom,
boom, boom, ba-ba, boom. And you hear the council drums. As you begin to walk
away, you see your crew take their scimitars,
cling, salute you from the deck of the siren as
it sails into the smoky clouds of Gorgar. And you see that Ol’ Pickering
raises his little speaking stone aloft, and says, we’ll
be ready to come back and get the payment when
they’ve readied the fee! That onyx vault doesn’t
open lightly, captain! And they take off. And you guys all congregate. You stride away from–
the Siren flies off into the skies of Gorgar. And you make your way
towards the throne room. Up in the heart of the
vast and mighty Bloodkeep, we cut back to Efink and Lilith,
who are walking side by side, followed by a train of spiders. And as you guys are
walking, talking, heading up for your basically
final council of the high lieutenants of Zaul’nazh, that
you will have before the ending of the world. I mean, this– you’re
preparing for the final push. This will be the last
meeting you guys all have before the big
climax of this war. And again, you look out over
the vast and mighty armies here. You know that the
forces of good– they’re outnumbered,
they’re weak. Most of the elves have
already left for far shores. The world of man has
lost its strength. Most of the dwarfs
didn’t even show up. They have a hard time getting
around, so they are very short and they wear very heavy armor. So they don’t– they shouldn’t
be expected to do that. But point being, forces
of light, not about it. Right? As you’re walking along, you
pass by the Library of Madness, with ancient tomes, vast law,
written in the midnight tongue of Gorgar, kept. You guys see that
Keldriel, who is a sort of old,
wild-haired witch, she’s kind of like has
got these sunken eyes. She always looks like she
just got given horrible news– constantly. That is her face at all times. She runs up with
this giant tome. And she goes, ah! My queens– – Oh, yes. – Is it actually bad
news, or is this just– [INTERPOSING VOICES] – It’s fine, it’s fine. – The books? – Professor Trelawney over here. – Yes? The books, the–
they are bad books. Yes, the letters. – Yes, the tomes
of horrors, yes. – Yes, they are spiky. – You’re bleeding,
as it turns out. – (SCREAMS) She looks at
her hand covered in blood. They want my mind, but
they cannot have it yet! – OK, well– [LAUGHTER] [INTERPOSING VOICES] – Sorry, I have something
I needed to tell you. I found a book. I know that the umber
knight has been searching for the crown’s [INAUDIBLE]. – OK– and we’re back. – Yes– ha! Do you ever fall
into your own mind? – Well, on purpose. – Keldriel, may I
suggest therapy? It would be very good
for you good, healthy. There’s no stigma– there
should be no stigma against it. Not here in the Bloodkeep. – My therapist went crazy. – Oh. – Well, any– I was about– – I told my therapist
about my stuff. And they leapt from the
top of the Bloodkeep! And they turned into bats! And the bats hanged themselves! – Sometimes, it’s hard to find
someone you really click with. – Yes, you do have to go
therapist shopping sometimes. – Do you know how
committed you need to be as a bat to hang yourself? You can fly! – Yes, you must yes
you must press down– oh, the image is despicable. What is it about
them the bloody book? – I have found deep
in the vast recesses of the Library of Madness
a book which contains the law of crown forging. – Oh. – I have found the journal
of the Lord of Shadows. And there may be clues
within the spells herein to help us find his last crown. – Oh, fantastic. What is the private policy
for checking them out? – Oh, policy for
checking them out? Well, as long as you don’t
have an overdue book, you are welcome to sign
anything out that you like. – Are you holding
it right there? – What’s that? – Is that what you’re holding– – This is what I’m
holding right here. – The book right there. – But I didn’t sign it out. That’s why I’m bleeding! You see that she walks back
10 steps into the library. And the blood gets
sucked up into the book. And she goes ah! These books are rotten. – OK. I love it. I love it. Now, what we need from you,
disappear, write it down, and have a messenger
send it to the dark lord. Because I have to say,
your verbal communication is lacking. – Why do you say that? Let me– – No. – We’re very busy
right at the moment. – We’ve been summoned. Did you not hear the drumbeats? – I hear them all the time. Always. – OK. – That’s not normal, though. – Yes, the clues,
write them out. Just write them out. – I shall send this book
to the Lord of Shadows. – No, no, just the clues. – Just the clues? – He didn’t have eyes,
really, to read it with. So maybe just have a
messenger come and give us the sort of SparkNotes version. – And by the way, how the
[BLEEP] is this bad news? – What? – You said it was bad news! – No, I didn’t. I just screamed. [LAUGHTER] – She said it was
news, and we just assumed that it was bad news. – Why would you assume
everything I say is bad news? – OK. – Yes. – I will go write
the clues down. – I am– I don’t hate women. I hate that [BLEEP]. [LAUGHTER] I just hate her. I just can’t stand her. – She walks back into
the Library of Madness. The books, they are
going to try to kill me. She walks away. You guys continue on your way. Having gotten– – I believe, she should really
look into maybe transferring to another branch or something. – Honestly, your suggestion
of therapy and finding the right one is a
glorious suggestion. But yes, any version of
this keep not having her here is honestly the best– – We might have– there’s
somebody that’s much more suited to the job
of managing tomes. – And also, just [BLEEP] her. – You guys walk away. Leiland and Sokhbarr, you guys
are higher up in the Bloodkeep, but about equidistant
from the throne room. As you guys walk, you hear
weird shivering shrieks and muted screams of
the Torturery, which is the place where all of this
horrifying torture and pain and ruin is happening. You guys see a
horrifying little goblin in a weird series of
leather straps and belts with a horrifying
little codpiece. And a series of rings with
chains hanging from his ears to his nose. One of his arms is cut off like
halfway down from the elbow. There’s just a curved
bone saw there. You see the other one is
holding this weird spiked– this is Master Ipskix, who’s
the head of the Tortury. You see he wanders out,
covered in some kind of gunk. And he walks out and goes,
well, hello, my lords. It’s a pleasure to see you
walking by the Tortury. [INAUDIBLE] evil of victory
with the forces of life. – I slowly turn my
head towards him, my eyes sparking with blue
flame, the voice guttural low and layered– torturer. It’s so nice to see you. – Happy to see you! – You look like you’ve
been busy, haven’t you? – I know, it’s
all been overtime. We’re push, push, push. And everyone is deferring
their vacation days till after the fall. – Of course. Because then we can
all go together. – That will be lovely! – You know when you
got that deadline, sometimes you got
to sprint for it. But you know, if
you know there’s something waiting for you on the
other side where you can relax, gah– that’s it, you know? – I can’t wai– I just hope the
work doesn’t suffer. When the work suffers,
the people don’t. And that’s my problem! It was a stretch. I always wanted to make– [INAUDIBLE] stop you on your way
to consult with the dark lord. First of all to say,
come by, sometime. We’re working on some
really interesting things. We’re training little
ants and beetles to carry little swords and
sharp things and crawl in. And you know [INAUDIBLE] you
get your rat to eat through someone’s stomack and
come to the other side– we’re trying to cover
the rats in spikes. There’s a lot of
interesting work happening. It’s all kind of
in the department. – That’s really great. Because you know,
that’s good for you. And it’s also good for the rats. – They get a full
meal out of it! Yes, for sure. – That’s a wondrous idea. There is existing
necromancy that can do exactly what
you’re designing. – You’re kidding me! – I’m not trying to– not– [BLEEP] love your work. I think it’s wonderful
you’ve been busy. I just– I would hate for
this to be done, and find redundancy. – Why are you doing this? [LAUGHTER] – Look, I– I just, I appreciate
an efficient workforce. And I don’t want any of our
resources to be misplaced. – Master, you’re doing
a great job, Ipskix. – Well let me just say something
here, because I love my work. Nothing makes me more happy
than to see someone hurting. But I would be love
for the Bloodkeep to be more interdisciplinary. Why can’t we– I mean, we’re using rats. We get those rats from you. – Sure. – If we have necromances who
are interested in pursuing a [INAUDIBLE] path,
what’s the harm in that? Other than the harm in that! – Grotesque. I step back. [INTERPOSING VOICES] Perhaps there’s some
sort of meeting of minds that could be established here. What if perhaps the combination
of necromantic magics could wait for the
rats themselves to shred whatever’s before
them, and rise them up for a second round? Perhaps the two formats
could be brought to a synergistic
climax, if you will. – I’m taking all this down. This is all great. – Here we are. Wonderous. So ants, beetles, you say? Right? Imagine if you could
hide them within the rats before they had been risen. – Yes! – You could survive– – It’s like a
turducken of torture. – Exactly! Exactly! – I loves it. Well, I’m not going to lie,
I am hard as a diamond. – I can see. – We can all see. – Genuinely impressive. – Thank you! I am a nasty little
piece of work. Now, we ask was– we got some word that
an old guest of ours was caught skulking
around the mountains near the Door of Doom. – Old guest? – Do you mean by that little
strange, warped, mutated halfling we found– Hawk! – Oh yes, Hawk. Disgusting being. – Well, of course we pulled
the truth out of him. – I’m imagining you doing all
of this with a massive boner. – That’s, like, bouncing. – That’s what the
codpiece is for. You got to have
workplace safety. [LAUGHTER] He goes, so, what
I was thinking was, I just wanted to say that
we’d spotted him again. And I know that we
relieved him on the idea that he had been pursuing
halfling’s Longfoot. So, I thought I would tell
you that he was spotted up near the Door of Doom. But it a [INAUDIBLE]. – All right. And you spotted him? You didn’t decide to pursue, or? – While passed? – Because word has just
gotten to me, you understand? – Right. – All right. You’re suggesting
that maybe Longfoot is skulking around the
mountain, he’s with an orc? – How about if you
do me a favor– do not get this information
to the Lord of Shadows. I will personally
deliver it to him. – Oh cool. Send the allied to
go with me there or I’d be turned inside out. God, can you imagine
how good it would feel to get turned inside out? – Oh wow, that codpiece
is moving a lot. There is some
thunking sounds coming from inside that codpiece. – Well, I’ve got
to get back inside. I’ve got a full
day of work ahead. I can’t finish up now. So I’ll leave you
to your business! – Always a pleasure, Ipskix. – Always is, isn’t it? And you see he skitters off. – I– have nothing to say. Let’s continue on. [LAUGHTER] – Wouldn’t be a problem
if I delivered the news to the Lord of Shadows, right? – Well, I mean– I really– – I got it. – The crown is kind of my thing. For quite an extended
period of time. – It has been quite a while
that you’ve been searching– – It’s quite a slippery thing. You should not have been
taken in the first place. So yes. I would greatly appreciate that. It’s my department. And as we all have
relegated, appointed aspects, please don’t say anything. – Oh sure. It’s all yours. A long, long, long deadline
that keeps getting pushed. – Nine times. But just know, I
appreciate your support. – You guys venture off
towards the throne room. Meeting on the bridge
way from the Ruby Tower and the kind of port
for the Siren, Marcus, you come across
Maggie, who you’ve met before on your way to the
bridge going to the throne room. – Hi! You going to the council? – Yeah, yeah. Heard the beating drums,
so I know it’s time to check in with old lord z. – Yeah, fun, cool. – Yeah. – As you guys both walk,
the edge of the gate, it leads sort of
into the pre-chamber. You guys see a sudden
looming shape appear. And you see this is
Olag, the high war king of the blood hoard. You see Olag is this
intense-looking orc– huge, blood-covered
axe, muscle-bound. You see that he looks
at you with wide eyes. He goes, good morrow
to you, lieutenants of the Lord of Shadows. I trust you are well this day. I wish only to bow in
reverence to the consort of the Lord of Shadows. – Thank you! – He says, I hear
the beating drums. And the council has been called. – Yep, that’s kinda why
we’re walking down this way. – I was wondering if either
of you had heard if– maybe because this
is the final meeting of the lieutenants
before the final push– if they were going
to be allow me, just being the leader
of the orcs and all, to come in and maybe
meet with you all? If that was going to
be allowed or not? – Yeah, no, I don’t see–
look, I’ll go in there, and I’ll ask him. If they let me, I’ll pop my head
out, signal you in, all right? – It just seems so
interesting to me, being the high war king
of the blood hoard, that I am not in these meetings. You actually are not
even from Gorgar. – Yeah, no, I’m a
paid contractor. You know? Just doin’ my thing? I’m sorry, I don’t know about
the orders and ranks around here. I’m just a guy coming in to do a – Just literally a job. Just no loyalty. For me, it’s cause I would
die for the Lord of Shadows. I wish to die in his name. When I see myself
at my most pure, it is me being destroyed in
a final blow to defend him. – Well, best-case scenario,
you don’t even need to do that, right? – Yeah. – But I’m not afraid of it! – OK, I see. – Yeah, that’s great! – I welcome it. I would welcome it. – Yeah! We’ll carry the message. We’ll see what they say. – Yeah, you know. – Maybe that’ll be
exciting for them. And they’ll be
like, oh, you know, maybe it’s new informa– you
know, you got to communicate. Maybe they didn’t know
that you felt that way. – It’s just unclear where
the line is drawn, you know? – Yeah. – For example, with
all due respect, your highness, within
these meetings, like what is it that
you are responsible for in these meetings? – Marcus, we have to go. [LAUGHTER] – Yeah. – Olag says, please do ask! – I’ll ask. – I would do anything for him! I would kill myself
where I stand for him. – Jesus Christ, these guys– they really can’t stand
not being in the room. They think, like,
I’m taking his slot. No. In reality, there’s some
other psychopath in there that took his slot. – Yeah. – You guys all converge on the
antechamber of the throne room. As you guys arrive here,
you see two massive trolls. You see Hobbert and Frod, the
guardians of the throne room. You see that one of them on
the left looks to you all, and says, hello! Welcome to the throne
room of Lord of Shadows. – Hey, I just wanted to– if it’s all right with everyone,
can we lock those doors? – Hard! Hard lock. – Hard lock the doors. – Yeah, I feel like
this is about to be a very important conversation. Don’t need anyone butting in. [INTERPOSING VOICES] – Should we– – Oh, it’s 100%– – Jesus, that guy– he’s intense. – Yeah, he talks at you! He talks at you. He doesn’t talk to you. – I will kill him again soon,
and bring him back to life. – Can’t kill him fast enough. – Each time, it works. But it ramps up so quickly. – As time goes on,
it’s just, he gets more annoying and annoying. Got to kill him off. – Job satisfaction
is all well and good. But what about the rest of us? – You have to pride that
the man has a passion. – Oh, for sure. I mean, he’s a great warrior. [INTERPOSING VOICES] – The thing is we all
stan the dark lord. We just do. We all stan him. Yes. So no need to always say it. – It’s so tricky when someone’s,
like, good at their job, but they’re just like,
just a pain to work with. – Who am I going to want to
talk to at 3:00 in the morning? – Not Olag! – Also, you know, before we
start thanking him too much, I know I’m the newest here,
and I’m not really like– – No, no, stop! – But he was talking some slack. He was talking some
real [BLEEP] out there. He was saying why he shouldn’t
be in here, and why, you know, he should be here
more than you guys. And I’m like, look, nobody– – Honestly, I bet
he’s listening in now, and I kind of don’t care. Like, he maybe
needs to hear this. – Yeah. – Which one of us did
he say he could replace? – Well, he made it seem
like anyone in here. He said he’s the lord
of the orcs, whatever. – But it wasn’t specifically– – No, it was just more
of a general type thing. But it definitely
felt like he was talking about Sokhbarr a lot. Like, it really
felt aimed at him. Like he was like, I’m
the lord of the orcs. – Thank god. I mean, no, that’s terrible. – I hate that [BLEEP] guy. – You see Hobbert and Frod say,
we will lock the doors to make sure that Olag can’t get in. And also we will be outside
so that we’re not inside. – Thank you. – Yeah. – I wink at both of them. – I have a question. When we beat all elves
and dwarves and humans, will there be– will we all move
to where they are to live where there
are trees and sunshine? – There shall be no
trees, nor sunshine, when we have taken
over the lands. – I mean, there’ll
be some trees. I mean, I got a whole thing– – Nice trees with
flowers and apples? – Oh no, no. It’ll be, like, gnarled trees
with, like, screaming faces. – What the hell are
you talking about? – Oh. Well, one of– I heard
one of the pact raids was talking about
they were riding through a field that had gold
and grain under [INAUDIBLE].. – That is my people’s aesthetic. The [BLEEP] elves. – You know, it’s a
monolithic culture. – And it’s bad too. Because it’s like you you
wipe out this whole ecosystem, you just plant grain. And it’s just
grain, grain, grain. – It’s terrible around allergy
season, year after year. – Much better to see blacks
and grays through a blue field. – Lack of biodiversity. – Oh, for sure. – I mean, you know how many
slime molds they kill just they can plant a bunch of grain? Like, wow, cool. You really did it. You really, oh. – You see Hobbert and Frod say,
well, we had thought about– we have heard legends
about things like a picnic. And like to have a tea cup. – Oh, those can be provided. I have a few extra sets in
my chambers if you’d like. Just minus the trees and grain. – Oh. OK! Well, that’s very nice. Welcome to the throne room
of the Lord of Shadows. You see they open the doors. And you guys see the
throne of the Bloodkeep. Enter. The doors close behind you. And lock. A massive fanged maw of
fire appears in the throne. – As soon as this happens, I’m
going to start [INAUDIBLE]—- you are loved, you are
important, you are loved, you are important. You will be fine. – And I’m just hearing
this, just shaking my head. – You see that the maw of
Zaul’nazh, Lord of Shadows, appears. [INAUDIBLE] knights, champions,
generals, and my darling. – Hi, babe. – We are gathered here
on the eve of victory. What do you have to
report before the fall of the free world? – I’mma just come
out and say it– I mean, all of
you, I got to say, it’s been a great
time with all of you. You know, devil lady, dead
knight, wet elf, beast man, and spider lady. – We have names. We’ve been working
together for a while. – We’ve been introduced
a number of times. – I know your names,
I know your names. But I just– – Prove it! Prove it right now! What are all of our names? – Maggie. Leiland? – You see that Zaul’nazh
goes (INTENSE SOUND EFFECT). – Kraz-thun! Kraz-thun! I meant Kraz-thun! Oops. I was just– I was just coughing. – The right hand of the Lord
of Shadows cannot be named Leiland. – Yeah. – [INAUDIBLE] is formed. [INAUDIBLE] coming
of the [INAUDIBLE].. – Yeah, my sky tome makes
that hard to pronounce. – I honestly thought you
were mad that we were doing– we were taking
trivialities at the moment. But no, you’re just mad that– – Oh, no, no, no. – He did choose it for me. – I did. What of my crown, Kraz-thun? – Stepping forward,
head down a bit, clutching the darkened
helmet under one arm– my lord, me and the Vinguri have
traveled the length and breadth of the land, slaying
many of the men, and the creations that
reside at their sides. Left much blood and
sorrow in our wake. – Really taking a sweet
time about it, for sure. – We have been tracing the scent
of your great darkened crown for some time. And found word that the
twisted halfling Hawk seemingly also follows this trail,
not far from this citadel. We are so very close
to finding him. Like, right– – And I cut in, and go– and I
have seen and been told that, yes indeed, your delegates
shall find the crown. And soon. – We shall. Yes, we shall, indeed. Thank you for your support. – Yes. – Go ahead, each of you, and
make a persuasion check for me. – A 12. – 25. So you see Zaul’nazh goes,
very good, Kraz-thun. – Of course, my lord,
anything for my lord. – He says, the crown is the key. When I have my crown
returned, my full strength will be mine once more. Soon, Tor Kalin will fall. And the realms of
Tyriath, [INAUDIBLE] will be yours, Efink. A land of beasts and spiders. A land where we can
live as we wish. And you will have everything
your heart desires, Captain Saint Vincent. – Oh, thanks. Put a little spice
on the captain there. Is there tension between us? Look, I’m going to give you the
fairest rate of all the land. – Everything I say
has that tone to it. – OK, I just want to make sure. I like to have a strong
bond between my client, and make sure everything’s good. – Right now, at the Door of
Doom, the forces of light gather. Cassara the Beige and
Telmeir the Calm have picked [INAUDIBLE],, some
ranger from the north, to sit once more on the
throne of [INAUDIBLE].. But it is no matter. We will crush them
there, crown or no. And when my talisman
is returned to me, then all the lads
will fall as well. When my crown is returned,
all the peoples of Elena will turn to me,
and say, [BLEEP].. No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. (SCREAMING) The fire explodes
into hot wind and air. You are buffeted back. The throne goes phew. Pathetic cinder
lies, and falls apart into some ash and
gray ashy embers. You guys hear the
foundations of the structure of the Bloodkeep go (CREAKING). And you feel a vast of
arcane energy spells and enchantments fading
and dying with a wheeze. – Damn– [INTERPOSING VOICES] We gonn’ make those people hurt! They gonn’ be doing all that,
ain’t that right, Lord G? – I go up to the throne,
just like looking for any– – Is there a ring? Look for a ring! Sokhbarr, do you see a ring? – I don’t see a ring. – Is there enough ash to gather? – There’s a little bit of ash. As you gather– make
an arcana check for me. – Lilith just takes
a sip of our wine. – It’s going to be 22. – You gather– it starts
to go away on the wind. And you like– and you
have a tiny little ember. Just the smallest little
lumpy ashy piece of coal. – Wait, that wasn’t just a– – So much, my lord. So much. – Maybe I should try. Maybe he’s not going
to resond to you. – No, he is fine. I have him here– it’s me. – I’m sorry, what the
[BLEEP] is going on? – Give me a second. And I roll my bone. And I think it’s like
the skull just spins. Like– – You see that the
skull for the first time ever perfectly rests on the
round part of the skull. – What’s going on? – What does it mean? – What does it say? – Yes, I [INAUDIBLE] deep inside
my bone, and I have seen that– I don’t know. – What? – Efink, you foresaw victory. It was assured. – And there still
may be, because this doesn’t mean anything. – More importantly, your main
thing is like knowing stuff, right? That’s why you’re here,
is to know things. – But it an imperfect
magical art of divination. So this is untoward,
is what this is. And I must spend time– I don’t know! – Can I look around for
just anything that I think might answer anything
that’s in the room. – Go ahead and give me
an investigation check. – Sure. – This is just surely
a temporary setback. I mean, we have our vast armies. – 11. – And you know, the
realms of men and elves and dwarves are
fractured, and surely– – As she is saying that, you
all look out the huge window through which the maw yells
commands out to the armies. You look at and see a vast horde
of shambling undead orcs that have all been given armor. And you see this orc general
going like all right, you maggots. Now, you’ve been
reanimated by the force of the Lord of shadows to– about 10,000 zombies fall over. And just start to rot. – Oh, [BLEEP]. – Oh. – Oh. – Can I use my divination
for bones of fate to talk to my deity,
and see what is up. – Sure thing. – OK. So I do that. It is your father. Can everyone hear it? – Yes, everyone can hear him. I’m going to roll a
little thing right here. Wonderful. – Yes, bone daddy. [LAUGHTER] – What is the question that
you are posing to your deity? – I guess, will there
still be victory? No, more– what happened? – What happened–
you use the bone. And in the eyes of the skull,
as you all stare into it– fire. A realm of endless
nightmare, shade, and flame– your old hometown. Appears in the skull’s eyes. You see a titan that rivals the
size of this world’s greatest mountains. A demon of endless fire. And a [INAUDIBLE] at this
demon’s feet in corporeal form, armor, ancient black
spiky armor, cloak, is Zaul’nazh, who manifests
in the realm of nightmare, in the lands beyond. He is gone from this realm. – No! We were supposed to get married. – Did he propose? – No. Oh. – That’s telling. – Oh, is it? Is it? Why don’t I try
talking to the ashes. Since you’re doing
such a [BLEEP] job. – Is the ember still burning? – It has completely gone out. – You [BLEEP] idiot. – Don’t you even stop– listen
to me, you little [INAUDIBLE].. This entire time, you have been
pouring poison in his ears, distracting him– [INTERPOSING VOICES] – Where is the
crown, [INAUDIBLE]?? Do you need another
25 years to get it? – I mean, I don’t want
to say she’s right, but– – Yes, everything did hinge
on that, as it turns out. It is not my fault. – Everyone of these
meetings we had, he was like the
crown is the key. We need the crown. – To be honest with
you, I was I was mostly focused on all the vast
armies and the keeps of men. – As you well should be! – That makes sense. – It only makes sense! But it turns out that that
little piece of jewelry was– – It looks like there’s two
pieces of important jewelry we’re missing right here. Dear god! – OK. We need to assess
our options here. We– I don’t know
what’s happening. I cannot see the future for
the first time in my life, I might say. So we need to– I’m an opportunist at heart– determine who will
win this, right? I can’t do that anymore. Who can? – No, no, you just have to
believe in yourself, honey. – OK, I’m going to
need a quick second. Are the big trolls
still in there? – Ostensibly, they’re
still outside. – You can dip out and ask them. – Yeah, yeah. – Let’s just keep this on
the down low for right now. – OK, yeah, yeah. I just need to– – 10,000 undead
orcs have vanished. – OK, you know what– – Well, we’ll work this out. I’m just going to make
some moves right now. And I poke my head
out to the orc– hey, can you go get
that one treasurer guy? I need to talk to
him real quick. – Oh, Small Tom or Master Privo? – Master Privo. – I will go get Privo. – Yeah, thanks. – You see that Olag
is over in the corner, and says, are we good
for me to come in? – You know, he’s– nah. He’s like, this is definitely– – The dark lord is
very busy right now. – Yeah, yeah. He’s so busy. – Understandable. Does he have a timeline
on which this decision– – It’s really up in
the air at the moment. We’re moving a lot
of things around. – We’ll wait. I would die for him. – Yeah. – We know. – You say that every time. Every time. – A moment or two later,
you see that Master Privo is brought to the door. And you see that
Hobbert says, would you like him to be brought in? – No! No, no, no, I just need to
have a quick powwow with him. – OK. You see that you step out. Privo says, yes, captain. – So for no reason at all that
you should worry about, Lord Z, Zaul’nazh,, in this meeting
that we’re having, top secret, only the highest lieutenants,
he said get of all the gold in the treasury, and bring– – You son of a [BLEEP]. – It to where my
ship should be soon. He said now. And he did that
thing where like– – No, no, no, no. No! – Yes! What do you even need
gold for right now? – No, Privo, don’t do it. Don’t do it! – You see that Privo looks
and says, all right, but I– we can just ask the
Lord of Shadows. – No, no– – Marcus, how dare you? In this time of the
Lord taking a moment to sneeze, are you going– – During this sneeze, I
promise, I got y’all’s back. Because what’s in the treasury
ain’t even half the contract. But now I just need
a little insurance before we go any further. Because this sneeze– – In the event of any sort
of catastrophic failing of the empire, hypothetically,
what does the contract say about the captain’s payment? – Yes, well, the
contract was very strict. So I would say this– contractually, Gorgar is obliged
to pay Captain Saint Vincent his fee. However, if in a
catastrophic event, the only thing that would
bar that from happening would be if Gorgar endured a
complete and utter collapse of his entire civic
infrastructure. – Preposterous! In that event, then
what would happen? – In the collapse of the– – Yes, are there other
any other contracts that we can have faith in? – Well, all laws are
based upon the promise of governmental authority, which
rests itself, in our country, mostly on arcane
and martial potency. – Do you happen to be pregnant? It would make things
so much easier. – I am. – You see– [LAUGHTER] You see that Privo looks over at
you and says, congratulations! Well, hopefully, Lord Z
will do the right thing and pop the question
sooner than later. – Shut the [BLEEP] up. – Is that a bit? – It’s bad luck to talk about– – Ah, very well. Well, yes, again, I’d say
that you are legally obliged to be paid. These laws exist as long
as the nation exists. Obviously, without a nation,
there can be no laws. – Obviously! – OK, cool. That’s all you say– and then I just smoosh his head. OK, so I’m deeply invested in
the success of this venture. What is plan B? – Not to belabor
the point, but– – Well, Plan B is way too late. – Well, first off, I got
to say, congratulations, we have so many tips for you. It’s something beautiful
to look forward to. But in the meantime,
you heard the lawyer. Arcane and martial prowess
are what will win the day. – Here’s what I– here’s
what I want to do. Because I’m feeling crazy. I want all of us– – Why? Is something crazy
happening here? Did the most powerful
[BLEEP] being in the whole universe up and disappear? – All right! – I guess Maggie’s pregnant,
we’ll just gloss over that! – Yeah, all right– – Yeah, everything’s
going great here! – All right! Sokh-y-barr. – Don’t call me that. – Bar of soap, [BLEEP]. Let’s– I think we should make
a blood pact to each other. Because without
each other, I do not see any sort of
victory happening. – OK. I feel like we maybe need
to clarify exactly how Zaul’nazh, this being
of utmost power– what the [BLEEP]
just happened to him? – Yes, we definitely
need to do that. But before that, I need– I– I just need to feel– – God, you’re so
needy sometimes. OK, yes, you have our support. Everything’s great, OK? – Like, no, like,
let’s blood pact it. – What? – Like– – It’s always about
blood with you. – Yes, can we all
bleed and swear? – I can’t play it right now. – As all this is happening,
all this conversation, Leiland is still there at
the base of the throne, clutching the remnants of
the ember after the argument. And just turns and
goes, he chose me. He plucked me from
my mortal shell of which nothing was waiting
for me, and he gave me purpose. And he named me. And I swore to him that
I would find the crown. I failed, you’re right. This is my fault. – Yes! It is! – I did this. – So why was this
crown so important? Look, I’m new here. – To be honest, no,
that’s a good point. If this were more
important, it would be something I should have known! I mean– I looked for
him, and I was like, maybe it’s a nice thing he
likes to put on his head and look very nice. And– – It would have been something– I would have known too. – But I would have put
more effort into it. But it’s not his
fault. This is mine. This is mine to bear. This has been fun, everyone. I’m just going to take
off my crown of chains. – As you go to touch the
crown of chains, you touch it, and your fingers are
singed and burned. – Good. – No! I can’t continue
to live like this. – Lilith scuttles
over to Leiland, and slap him across the face. Pull yourself together, man. We can all mourn the loss of
the great dark lord of shadows later. But for right now, we need
to look out for each other! – Thank you. Blood pact. OK. So two of us are on board. – So can’t we just agree to do
this without me drawing blood? You know, like– I don’t know. Look– I’m down
for a blood pact. I’m down for a contract. Because that’ll work. I’m all about that. – I will say this– let me get an arcana check from
Efink and Kraz-thun, if I can. – Natural one. – That’ll be a 23. – 23. Touching your circlet and
having it singe your fingers, you are left with
an understanding somehow that he is gone. You have failed him. The self-loathing
you feel is all real. However, if every
piece of him was gone, you should be gone too. There’s no way that
you’re still here, and there’s not
hope of something. – Friends. This crown, this chain
circlet of eternity that was put upon my
brow keeps me here. This magic is of
the lord himself. If he was truly
gone, so should I be. And that means the fact that I’m
here, he still lives within me. – He lives within me! – Oh, on that, I touch
him, and I cast revivify. Like just– this is instinct. I’m going to revivify
the dark lord. – Cool. You cast revivify. It has suddenly been
longer than a minute. – That’s right. – So spell happens. But you do have a oracular
vision, as you’re saying that, of– you see– because you’re going
into Leiland’s crown to get the dark lord’s essence. And suddenly, you’re
looking at Leiland’s crown, and you see runes. And they’re the
exact same runes that were on the spine of
that book in the library. – Oh– oh, lord, dammit. We have to go back into
that crazy woman’s library. The room is inside your crown. The magic runes, they are
the same upon the spine of– what is her name? Keldrial’s book! – He’s still with me. – Oh, dear god, you’re
centering yourself again. – All right, so here’s the plan. We obviously can’t let
anyone come in here. So y’all can go to
the crazy library. And we’ll stay here– – No, no, no. – You would have Privo
in here in a minute, stealing gold, Marcus. – Look, I don’t want the gold. I just don’t want
to talk [BLEEP].. – You do want the gold. – Yes, that’s true. But I don’t want to talk to a
crazy lady, most and foremost. – Listen, we should
all stick together. As his foremost generals,
we have the best chance of bringing him back– if
that is what you wish to do, I suppose. – There is no other
reason before us. We will bring him back. We’ll reforge him. And he will be my– our– our!– lord once again. – So why don’t we like
hang a little sign that says out for snacks,
gotta go get some drinks. Put it on the door. – Yes. – No, that is very on
brand for us, isn’t it? – Pre-victory nap. Good. – Yes. – It’s a first time,
but that’s fine. – Self-care. – Taking a moment
before the big victory. Let’s go check out– let’s go check out this book. Let’s see what’s going
on here, all right? – Marcus walks
over to Kraz-thun, and hands him a leather pouch. For your ashes. You know, usually I keep like
secret gunpowder in here. But I was like– hey, just letting y’all
know, still your friends. – I put my cold hand out
that sends a slight shiver through your shoulders. This is very kind of you. – Thanks. – When it comes time for you
to shuffle your mortal coil, I can find a place amongst my
spiritual guardians for you. – Thanks. – I think you can’t promise
that, honestly, at this point. – I will promise what I like! I walk over and start
dabbling more ashes. – It’s mixing with a
little bit of gunpowder that’s still in there. – It’s fine, he’s still good. – You want to share
a little bit of that? – No. – Cool. Real nice, Leiland. Really, really [BLEEP] nice. – No wonder he said
what he did about you. – You guys leave from there. You see that– you
guys exit the door. Hobbert and Frod are out there. Privo’s talking to Olag. You see that Hobbert and
Frod’s like all’s well with the lord of shadows, ey? – Absolutely. – Yeah. – Actually, Olag, lord had a
mission for you specifically. – A very special mission. – He asked me? To die for him? – Actually kind of. Yeah. He said head out, find
the forces of light, and challenge him to
a one on one duel. And he said if
you win that duel, you get to come in
to all the meetings. – Ha! You see he springs through
a window from 800 feet up on the Bloodkeep. And he goes, ha! – Oh my god. And then you hear him
get up, and just start running by himself across
the vast ashen plains. – All of us, our heads
are poked out the window. – There goes the dumbest
orc in the world. – He has such an enthusiasm. – You see Hobbert looks up,
peeks his head in, and sees that the throne is empty. And he’s like, has the Lord
of Shadows gone for a snack? – Yes. – Yes, Hobbert. – And we are also going– – As a matter of fact, he said
you should guard this throne, and make sure no one comes in. – OK. That is what we do
almost all the time. – Oh, OK. Well, I’m just being redundant. – He says, OK. You see there’s a
huge wrought iron plaque that says in something
like the midnight tongue like (STRANGE TONGUE). Which is snack and nap. And puts it on the door. We will not be disturbed. And you guys have free rein
to head to the library. – All right. Party smiles. – And everybody be very
patient with Keldi. She’s very– she takes a bit
when you’re talking to her. But– – It’s because it’s
the Library of Madness. The library made her go crazy. That’s why me as a human
does not want to go in there. – Yes. It’s a fine excuse, isn’t it? – I’ll be fine! OK! – Aren’t we all already crazy
right now in this moment? – Can I do either an investigate
or arcana check to see sort of like if I’m noticing
any effects from– you’d mentioned sort of
like magic sort of like– – Yes. Go ahead and give
me an arcana check. – Cool. Great. That is 19. – Yes. You already can see,
there are many vermin that live in this place
that were drawn here by– roaches and centipedes
and weird gross things. And you see that all of
them are beginning to flee. Like the bugs know
something you don’t. – Rats on a ship. – Yeah, exactly. – Can you talk to bugs? – I can talk to bugs, actually. – Ask them from what they flee? – Bugs, what’s up? – You know we’re getting
out of here, man. You know we’re [BLEEP]
getting out of here, man. – What’s going on, man? – What’s going on– I don’t know. Have you seen the
architecture of this keep? Have you seen it? It can’t stand up. – Yeah, I guess it does
break the laws of physics, now that you’re– – Yeah! And that works when
there’s magic here. And all the bugs, we
all feel that magic. That magic is gone. The support beams in this place
are on their way out, my man. So hey, you know what, I would
talk more, but we got to go. – Can I do some kind
of check to get a sense if I have some kind of time if
this is like an imminent thing? – Sure. Give me an intelligence check. – Sure. That’s not good. Four? – You don’t feel
the ground shaking. – All right, well, I guess
we’re pretty good down here. – Do you relay this information? – Yeah, as I’m talking
to the bug, I’m like– – Guys, I speak insect. – I didn’t even– I’m an idiot, I’m
so [BLEEP] stressed. You have spider kids. I don’t even think to– – It’s all right. They can take care
of themselves. And I reach through the
webs, because I can– because we’re all
connected through the webs. And they know what’s up, right? – You see that Jason is there. You see that he’s
just like spinning a little goblin in a web. He’s like mom, what’s up? – Well, Jason, no real
rush or anything, but you and your brothers and sisters– all 10,000-ish of you– might want to go stay with your
relatives in the forest, maybe? – Everyone, get ready,
get your [BLEEP],, we gotta go to the
forest, mom said. All right, mom. – Yes, thank you. That’s a good boy. – OK. – Make sure to pack
a snack with you. – OK. Takes this orc,
and skitters off. You guys arrive at the
Library of Madness. Before you, you see tall
shelves, ancient [INAUDIBLE] of dark lore and necromancy. And you hear a
noise in the back. – OK. I’m going to– I
grab her up, and I stick my statue at their
eyes– give us your book! – Ah! Ah! OK, very well. She reaches out, and mage
hands this book to her. Hands the book to you guys,
which is a book of crown lore. And goes please
take me with you. – Absoutely not. You’re not coming
anywhere near us. But good luck getting
out on your own. I actually don’t
wish your demise. – And you just see that– off
in the distance, you hear– and you see a little flock of
books flaps up on its pages. And looks down. These are just, again, books. Look down at Keldrial,
and she says, it has come. They are of my death. And she runs off
into the library. And the books– the
books fly after her. Cool. You guys have this
book of crown lore. [INTERPOSING VOICES] – All right, all right. – –the SparkNotes, like– – Yeah, you guys
just zoom through it. Go ahead– anyone who’s
looking at the book can give me an arcana check. – Are we all just
like huddled around? – You’re huddled over. And you guys hear
in the back, like– (SCREAMING) – A dirty 20 for me. – 17. – 24. – 24? Hell yeah. – And I take this
number, and I add it to– – Arcana. – OK, 2. [LAUGHTER] – You’re looking at this
thing, literally being like– 16, cool. You’re zooming through
it as the oracle– – You’re turning
the pages so fast. (SCREAMING) – And you see– – Did you get wetter? – You see– drip,
drip, drip, drip, drip. You see a vision of
young Zaul’nazh again. Not at the Fountain of Blood,
where you saw him before. But you see him at
the scary volcano. And you see him forging
the original circles of eternal chains, and
forging the last crown. And what you see is
there is a passageway from within the Bloodkeep
to the scary volcano. You see, in the final
words of the book, it talks about the object of
magic that served as the basis for his enchantment
of the last crown. And it said within the forge
of the scary volcano lies the artifact gifted to Zaul’nazh
by Gogmoth himself that allowed him to first forge the crown,
and holds that power still. – Do I– do I find anything else
about the fountain of blood? Is that– – Nothing in this book. – Well, [BLEEP] this
book, I had a vision. [LAUGHTER] The book might
have triggered it, but the vision seems
more important. There is an artifact within the
row, row, row, car, car, car– – The big scary one? – The big scary–
yeah, yeah, yeah. Time is of the essence. Scary mountain. There is an artifact there
gifted by your father to Zaul’nazh that can craft
the actual stones and circlets and crown, including
the last one. So I feel like if
we go there– which there is a passage
from the Bloodkeep into the scary mountain,
if we go there, we might be able to re-craft it? – What is this artifact
you talk about? What are we looking for? Is it a– – Do I know? – You actually don’t. You can imagine that Zaul’nazh
was extremely cagey about crown lore, such that he never told
Vinguri what would happen if the crown got destroyed. Speaking of which, as the book
is tossed to you, Leiland, you grab it and
look at it, you see the page that explains
what the thread always was. The crown would destroy
him if it was destroyed. And it can only be
destroyed in one place. And that is the scary volcano. Which means if he was
destroyed, someone or something got the crown there. And it got it there no
less than 30 minutes ago. – All right. This could only have
been done on Eagleback. – What could only have
been done on Eagleback? What are you talking about? – You think so
much in your head! And you don’t explain– [INTERPOSING VOICES] – We’ve been flying over the
landscape looking down when we should have been looking up. And that is also on me. [INTERPOSING VOICES] – What are you talking about? We don’t know what happened. [INTERPOSING VOICES] – Look, the crown– the crown contains the
essence of the dark lord. It was forged in
the scary volcano. It can also be unmade
only in the volcano. – It says that in there? – Yes. Because everything’s
found in a vision! – Would have been nice to know. – I agree! – You think he would have
mentioned that, right? Like, we’re building
lots of armies. – He’s not– – It seems pretty important. [INTERPOSING VOICES] – It was personal to him. – Yeah, well– – Did you know about this? – No! But I– you can’t know
everything about your partner. Do you know everything
about Jeremy? – Jeremy looks into a mirror. And you see that the reflection
of him walks out of the mirror, and becomes a sort
of translucent slime version of him. Falls on the ground,
starts to steam, and he starts to lap
it up with his tongue. – See, did you know that? – I mean, I know a
lot about Jeremy. – Did you know he could do that? – I mean, scientists aren’t
sure of everything that the– – OK. – The eagle is a
ridiculous idea. – I’m just saying, maybe– it doesn’t matter. None of us knew. Or even if we did,
even if he murmured it in the dreams of
sleep, you still would have discounted it, right? – Yeah– I would
say everyone’s free. Because he obviously
should have had people guarding that volcano. Like that– you know, normally– – Yeah, why were they
guarding the blood– [INTERPOSING VOICES] – So there’s someone in the
volcano right now who did this? – There would have to be if this
happened relatively recently. – Do we know where
that passageway is? – We can– – Yes, I do. – What? – Yes, I know that. I still want to go back to
the lodging of Zaul’nazh. No, no, no. He has a circlet that
can be destroyed. And if it destroyed,
it destroys me. Toss it out into the world
willy nilly, maybe give it to, I don’t know, a
man, or something. And then be like, who– oh, I lost it. What the [BLEEP]. – All right, where
is the passageway? – We all agree, right? – Like you’ve never made
a mistake in your day! – OK. Sounds like you guys are
going to be here for a while. Can I– I feel like I want to– I’m getting like more
and more impatient as I– I just want to– I want to get the
wargs and stuff out of– like anything that’s in a
cage, I want to open the cage. – Cool. You’re opening cages. You guys are all rushing off. As you guys are heading
towards the passageway, you see that your spiders
start to head out. Some of them climb
up onto your back. You see that Jason
says, all right, mom, we’re going to head out. What’s the deal? Someone said something
about a crown? – No– yes. – I love them. I love them so much. We should tell them. – Look– that dark
lord has fallen. Anarchy reigns supreme here. And the Bloodkeep will crumble! But mommy’s going to go
take care of it, right? So just, you all take
care of each other. Stick together. Remember, nothing is more
important than family. – Where are you– you’re
going to the scary volcano? – Yeah. So I’m going to need to
take a good lot of you along with me, just in case
we run into some trouble. – If that was important, why
wasn’t anyone guarding it? – Thank you! [INTERPOSING VOICES] – That’s what I was saying. – You’d think a
partner would tell you! But if they’re your partner
for life, I guess [BLEEP].. – You guys rush
down the passageway. You arrive after a
long rush towards it in this massive caldera
Looking out of the gate, you look in one passageway
leads up to clean air. You look in another
way, and emerge on this promontory of looking
out into this caldera, and see a forge down at
the base of the caldera with a massive anvil
covered in runes. You see, resting
against it, wheezing, are two little halflings
covered in soot, holding each other with
partially burned clothes, who look up at all of you
entering this place. – Oh, I’m sorry– – Before anyone can
react, I rush him– you piece of [BLEEP]. You gettin’ into my pockets! You about to make
me [BLEEP] money. I’m about to bust your
head right open right now. – And you see there’s
two halfling women here. And one of them has sort of
dark hair and looks very weak. This is the halfling you
stabbed in the ruins. You see another halfling with
blond hair goes, right, sir, but I didn’t mean
any harm by it. – No, you got harm. – Listen, don’t you be hurtin’
my mistress Longfoot here. – [INAUDIBLE] hair begins
to stand up, the eyes glow. – You guys hear from the
promontory that you’ve left– boom! Cassara the Beige appears,
flanked by Telmeir the Calm and a host of elves. And says, oh, I see you arrived
just in the nick of time. Roll initiative. And that’s going to
be all for this week, on Escape From The Blood Keep. Tune in next time for a little
fight in the scary volcano! [APPLAUSE] – Down in the forge– the scary volcano. – It’s like it’s a
mountain of doom. – The anvil looks
really [BLEEP] heavy. – Maybe we could lift
it out of the caldera. – This is going to be the
most damage dice I’ve ever rolled maybe playing D&D. – Three shades of darkness have
come to me, come to my aid. – This monster is extremely bad. And then out of
[BLEEP] nowhere– ha! – This is for my baby!


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