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Wayne | Ep 1: “Get Some Then”


[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] [ROCK MUSIC STOPS] [WIND WHISTLING] What? Screw off,
you fucking freak. [DOGS BARKING] I said go. [SCOFFS] Get the fuck out of here! [GLASS SHATTERS] TEENAGER: What the fuck! You asshole! [MAN GRUNTS] Hey! Who did that, huh?
Who the fuck did that? You? Break my window, you bitch? You break my window? Huh? Why don’t you answer me,
you little bitch? Answer me. [SPITS] What the fuck? [BOTH GRUNTING] [LAUGHING] Yeah! Now, get the fuck out of here,
before I fucking kill ya. [BONES CRACKING] [MAN PANTING] Man! What the fuck? [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] HERNANDEZ:
Hey! Hey, boy! Come here! Hey, you hear me, boy?
I wanna talk to you. I’m eating my lunch. Your father is not
answering the door. I need my rent and
that son of a bitch
is ducking me. Well, he can’t answer.
He’s sick. I don’t give two shits. Sick or not, he still
gotta pay his rent. [DOG SNIFFS
AND WHIMPERS] Hey! I’ll get it. He might not even be your dad,
I mean, I don’t know. Lots of guys run
in and out of that house. [DOG GROWLS] [HERNANDEZ SHRIEKS IN PAIN] Ow! Son of a bitch! You fucker! You did that
on purpose, you asshole! [SOBBING IN PAIN] Where the fuck
you going, you fucker? Get back here,
you son of a bitch! Fuck you! [WAYNE SR. COUGHING] [HERNANDEZ
CONTINUES SHOUTING] [WAYNE SR.
CONTINUES COUGHING] [KNOCKING AT DOOR] What? Shit! What, “What?” I’m tryin’ to sell you
some goddamned
cookies is what. I’m sorry.
My dad’s sleeping. Well, why the hell
didn’t you just
say that then? Shoot. Anyway, why’s your dad
sleepin’ in the middle of the day anyway? He lazy? Nah. He’s got cancer. Well, can people with cancer
still eat cookies or whatever? He ain’t been
eatin’ much lately. What about you? You like
cookies, or are you
as weird as you look? I like cookies. Great. We got, uh,
this peanut butter kind coconut kind, which tastes
like dog shit, my opinion, some people like ’em. And, uh, there’s lemon. So? Uh, you wanna come in? You ain’t gonna do
anything weird, right? Weird, like what? Like some guy down on Torrey
asked if he could see my feet. I don’t wanna see your feet. Yeah, whatever.
It’s fine, I guess. So, uh, you like music? Yeah, most. I mean, like rap… [PUNK MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO] [MUSIC STOPS] So, uh, you got a boyfriend? Not really. You want me
to be your boyfriend? I don’t know.
How tall are you? Pretty, uh…
Pretty tall. Here. Put your back up
against mine. My what? Like this, dummy. [EXHALES] You got brothers
or sisters? Uh, a brother, I think. What do you mean,
“I think”? He’s in the Marines
and, uh, he hasn’t called
in a while, so… Oh, so he kills
people then? Yeah, that’s what
they do there, I guess. Cool. You got a brother? Two. What do they do? They’re assholes. Okay. [EXHALES] So, uh, was I
tall enough or what? So you gonna be
my girlfriend or whatever? You gonna buy
some cookies or whatever? I wanna, but
I don’t got any money. So, get some then. [TRAIN PASSING BY] [TRAIN CHUGGING] Then find me. I’m in the shit-hole
on Norton. [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] [METAL DETECTOR BEEPING] Wayne! Where you been? I’m, like, 20 minutes late. Like 20 minutes
and three weeks. Hey, you still wanna
buy my nunchuks? The real-deal legit ones?
From Japan? Hell, yeah. I just unloaded
some rare Pokemon shit, so I’m flush right now. All right, come on. This ain’t my lock. Ooh, hold up, hold up. Hey, girl. I got your back with them
Starbucks sandwiches. I’ll see you
at lunch with ’em? [CHUCKLES]
Um, all right, Orlando. [CHUCKLES]
Um, I’ll see you. What happened to her?
With the… She got something
messed up in her spine. See, I’ve been
puttin’ in that work ’cause I heard she’s
getting it took off
in like six months. Guess what I noticed
nobody else did? She fine as hell
under that, man. Plus, you know,
I’m into all that sci-fi
comic-book type stuff. So, she’s little like
a super-fine cyborg. Ain’t you, girl? So, you just carry around
a hammer, huh? I have a hammer. This ain’t my stuff. Obviously.
There’s actual books
in it. [EXHALES SHARPLY] Would you shut
the fuck up, please? Hey, we don’t talk
like that in here. I said, “please.” Where’s all my stuff? Jesus, Wayne!
You can’t just walk
in here like that. Now, get out of here,
I’ll talk to you later. Go wait outside. Hey, Darren, Scott.
Sit down, right now. No disrespect,
but that crazy fool
will come to my house. You won’t. Why do I even bother?
Go ahead, get outta here. Sit… No,
sit right down there. Keep quiet. Jesus H, Wayne.
You can’t do that! All my stuff
from my locker’s gone. All right? And somebody
took my nunchuks. You shouldn’t have brought
your nunchucks into school. All right? I don’t know
where they are. Okay? These kids,
they steal everything. They stole Mrs. Healy’s shoes
a few weeks ago. Okay,
they’re not cool shoes. They’re old lady,
teacher shoes. Wayne, Wayne,
sit down, talk to me. I could have called Truancy,
like, five times by now
and I haven’t. How’s your dad doing? You know that me and your dad
go way back, right? Yep. He calls you
“Butthole Tommy Cole.” Yes. And thanks to him,
that tradition has been
passed on to this generation of students. He also beat me up. Beat the shit out of me
at my own birthday party. [BOYS GRUNTING OUTSIDE] Knock it off! Knock it off!
I swear to God… Cut that shit out
right now! [BREATHING HEAVILY] I know I’m not supposed to,
but I hate those kids. Like, real… [SIGHS]
Like, adult hate. It’s like…
[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY] Where was I? Talking about my dad
beating your ass. Right. Thing is, for every time
your dad beat my ass, he beat someone else’s
for me two-fold. Now, he was
an asshole. No doubt. But he also couldn’t stand
for anybody getting away
with doing something wrong. Does that sound
like anybody else we know? [SARCASTICALLY]
Could I offer you a banana? Sorry. Go ahead, have it.
I got another one. It’s at home. Listen, Wayne, there’s always
gonna be people doing
rotten stuff to other people, but you got to let
the proper people
handle it the proper way. People like me and the law… Well, no one handled it
for my dad. [SIGHS] Well, nobody likes
the way that that went down,
okay? Everybody knows that work
is what made him sick. And everybody knows
that he got screwed
in court. It wasn’t right. Listen, you have
every reason to be mad. Your mom takin’ off… Yeah, I don’t care
about her, okay? [SIGHS] If you run around
righting wrongs
all your life, that’ll be your life. And I know it’s easy
to follow in family footsteps, but you don’t have to. What should I be then? I don’t know, man. Just don’t be like
those two dickheads. [BOYS GRUNTING] ORLANDO: I’m not lying, man.
Those Pokemon cards are real.
And they change… GIRL: Leave him alone! ORLANDO: Come on! Stop! BOY: Chill out,
robot girl. Come on. What you want, huh? Why aren’t you trying? [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] What the hell
is going on down there? Wayne. Wayne,
we just talked about this. Wayne. Wayne! [SCREAMS] Well, you will not be
going back to that school. I’m sorry, I ruined
your lunch date. What about you?
You just come to school just to knock
people’s teeth out or what? I need to get money. For what? Cookies. Cookies? Yeah, if I buy cookies
from this girl, uh,
she might go out with me. [CHUCKLING] Holy shit!
My man Wayne,
on the prowl. Stop. Look at you,
all grown up, man. So, uh,
important question. Do you know where
to find the boobies
on the lady? You know… I’ll fucking kill you. Okay, okay,
okay, man, okay. This is just the first time
you’ve ever talked to me
about a girl, man. Okay. She must be
something special.
What’s her name? I don’t know. Okay, well,
that’s a great start. Hold up. I got an idea. [SIGHS] [METAL CREAKING] It’s all yours. [GASPS] Holy shit! It’s your dad’s collection
of titty mags! Surreal. Whoo-wee! 1982. So much hair. I need a goddamn
garbage bag! Hey. Money. Oh. Here. Guard these
with your life, okay?
With your life! All right? I’ll be back
for these later! [DOG BARKING] GIRL: You trying
to break into my house? No. No! Just busting your balls. You gonna sit? Yeah. I, uh… Oh, no. I just sold my last box. That’s okay. [CHUCKLES] I’m just kidding. I saved you one. It’s the, uh,
shitty coconut kind, you know, the one
that tastes like asshole, but still,
thought that counts
or whatever. I’m fine
with the asshole one. Oh, God, I don’t
need that much. We had a deal. Right? Okay. Here’s the rules. I don’t like
that romance shit,
all right? I don’t like flowers. I don’t want
a stupid Valentine
on Valentine’s. I don’t wanna hold
your fat, sweaty hand
all the time, and I’m never gonna cook
for you unless I’m making
something for myself. Got it? Yeah. And don’t look at me
like that. Shit. I, uh,
don’t know your name. Mine’s Wayne. That is so weird. That’s my name, too. Really? [CHUCKLES] No, dummy. [CHUCKLING] Del. My name’s Del. And it ain’t short for nothing.
So don’t ask. What are you gonna do
with all that? It’s for my campaign. I’m gonna be mayor. Mayor? I’m gonna run for Mayor when I’m old enough,
and then I’ll be in charge
of this shit-ass town, and none of these assholes
will be able to tell me
what to do anymore, including my asshole dad
and my asshole brothers. I’m gonna vote for you. Hey, do you, uh, do you
wanna go cut some snakes
in half with a shovel? Yes. I hate chores. So what are you gonna be? Oh, uh… I don’t know. I’m trying
to figure it out still. What does your dad do? Aside from dying
and everything? Would you do what he did? Nah, his job
is what got him sick. Okay, not that then. I don’t wanna anything to do
with my bitch-ass
family, anyway. I’m gonna do everything I can
to make sure nobody
even knows I’m one of ’em. I don’t know.
It’s your family. Don’t you need people
to remind you who you are, where you’re from
or whatever? [MAN YELLS] [WAYNE GRUNTS] DEL: Daddy! Daddy! Hey. Back off. Uh-uh-uh. Whoa, what have we
got here, huh? Who the fuck are you? Who are ya? Who the fuck are ya? Now, why were his hands
all over you, huh? No, they weren’t, Daddy.
Cut it out! Get away from me. I asked you a question,
you pervert. Hmm? Fucking pervert. Piece of crap
fucking pervert! Just let him up. Back off! [DEL GRUNTS] Hey, look at me. [BOBBY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] Oh, you a tough guy? You’re so pretty. I’m gonna ask you one time. One fucking time. What the fuck
are you doing alone with my 15-year-old daughter? Buying some cookies. Wayne, don’t. What? I thought I fucking
told you, Del. Huh? I’m sorry. Stop stealing and selling
fucking cookies, goddamn it! I’m sorry. Give it to me now. It’s mine. You best watch
your fucking mouth and give me that money,
you little thief. I am not playing! TEDDY: You think he’s playing? He ain’t fucking playing! Shut the fuck up,
fucking shit for brains! Fucking shit
for brains. Fucking… Give me that fucking money. Fuck. I’m raising a goddamn thief. Useless, like your
fucking mother was, huh? Move your ass! Move it! [DEL GRUNTING] Hey, boys. [DEL WHIMPERING] You give this
bitch-ass pervert every reason
to not creep around
my daughter no more. Let’s go.
Move your fucking ass. CARL: Uh-uh-uh. Oh, this is gonna be
fucking fun. You wanna
creep my sister? Creep this, bitch. [WAYNE SR. LAUGHING] GAIL: Put that… Hey! I don’t play that. [WAYNE SR. COUGHING] Shaking the bedpan at me. I will put that bedpan
in your ass. Your father ain’t funny.
He thinks he’s funny
as hell. [WAYNE SR.
CONTINUES COUGHING] Sweetie. What happened
to your face? Boy, it is getting hard
to tell the old cuts and
bruises from the new ones. Are you lookin’ at my breasts? Yes, ma’am. Sorry. [CHUCKLES] Young man,
you gotta learn to lie
once in a while. I know that ain’t
who you are, but it
just might serve you to bend the truth
here and there. So, I had a visitor today. One ex-boyfriend of mine said some kid ’bout your age
came to his house and put two rocks
in his window. No. So that wasn’t you? I didn’t throw rocks.
I threw ice. Okay… [CHUCKLES] That was
your opportunity to lie. I don’t want you
doin’ that for me. But he cheated on you. Yes, and I broke up with him. That’s how that works. My messes are mine. You got enough messes. Hey, you really mad? About what? That I broke the windows. Oh. [CHUCKLES] I am very, very mad. See what I did there? Learn to do it. I baked you
a little something.
It’s in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. You awake? Oh. Yeah, I’m awake. I got pie. And spoons. That’s nice. I’m not really hungry. But I wanna
watch you eat it. Sit down. Eat. Sometimes I worry
you don’t eat nothing. At least now,
I have proof, huh? [CHUCKLING] Check it out. Someone got lucky
on a Pats bet
and made rent. Hey, two lucky
sons of bitches, huh?
Me and you? [CHUCKLES] Yeah. Lucky. [FIREWORKS EXPLODING] Fuck me. Them two little Miller
shits been lightin’
those things off all day… [SHOUTING]
Like it’s the Fourth
or something! [COUGHING] No, no, no. Just sit down, eat. Talk…
Talk with your father. [BREATHING DEEPLY] Just talk to your father. What’s this picture of? Shit. I didn’t want you
to see that. Or maybe I did,
I don’t know. Give it here. I like the car. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
I did, too. Enough to buy it. It’s mine. No fucking way.
You bought a car? Didn’t even get
it home, though. Your ma and that prick
ran off with it pretty much
the minute I paid for it. Swear to God. Every few years,
that godless cocksucker sends me a picture
just to rub it in. So, that’s what Ma
looks like now. WAYNE SR.: Yeah,
her thighs got fat. [BOTH CHUCKLE] You don’t remember
what she looked like?
Your ma? I was five. Biggest shame for a father. Not having something
to leave his son. You left me stuff, Dad. [BOTH CHUCKLE] I don’t know about that. Still, that fucking car
should’ve been yours. Hey. Thank you for, you know,
not being a big pussy
about all this. [BOTH CHUCKLE] [FIREWORKS EXPLODING] You gotta be
fucking kidding me. Fuck this. Hey, hey,
Wayne, don’t go…
Don’t bother! [DOOR OPENS] Wayne! [COUGHING] [DOOR CLOSES] [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] [FIREWORKS WHISTLING] BOY 1: It’s Wayne! BOY 2: Book it! [MUSIC STOPS] [WIND WHISTLING] [DOOR CLOSES] Hey, Dad. I stopped
all the noise for you. I got some Roman candles
and some M80s
off those dipshits, too. Hey. Dad? Dad? [SOFT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING] Dad? [INHALES DEEPLY] [EXHALES DEEPLY] Goodbye, Dad. [DOOR CREAKING][THE SWORDPLAYING]♪ The battle rages
But they fly in vain
♪ When all is done
It must begin again ♪
[ENGINE REVVING] [INDISTINCT TALKING INSIDE] What? I got your rent. Well, look at that. Just in the nick
of time, dipshit. This all of it? I guess so. I guess I’ll be your landlord
for another month. Or until your dad… [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] [INHALES SHARPLY] HERNANDEZ: What the fuck? You think that’s fucking funny,
you little prick? How about I throw
your dad’s sick ass out now, huh? Holy son of a bitch! Someone call 911! That’s my retirement,
you motherfucker! My house! What the fuck? Fuck your house,
what about my titty mags? HERNANDEZ: My fucking house! The fire is spreading! What the fuck? Fuck. Fuck. [LAUGHING] CARL: Hey, Daddy,
there’s a little squirrel
riding the dog like a horse! Come on! [STAIRS CREAK] Who the hell was that? Wayne? What the fuck? You wanna go
to Florida with me? Why? To get my dad’s
car back. What for? ‘Cause he wanted me
to have it. TEDDY: Del? I need a bikini. TEDDY: Del? Who the hell’s up there? Just go up there
and check then, you dick. You check,
you fucking dick.
Fucking… BOTH: Don’t you fucking dare. Del, who’s up there
with you? I got a bat, bro! [MOUTHING]
I don’t have a bat. Got it!
Wait, my headphones! Del! Answer me! Okay, let’s go. Wait. Fuck this. I’m going up there. [STAIRS CREAK] [GRUNTS] [BROTHERS GROANING] Sorry about your brothers. [GRUNTS] [GASPS] I’m gonna fucking
kill you now! Those aren’t gonna
do you any good. [BOTH GRUNT] Those ain’t gonna do you
any good now neither,
you dumb son of a bitch! You! Wayne, don’t hurt him. What did I tell you
about seeing
my fucking daughter? Huh? Really? Fireworks,
you fucking pussy? Oh, fuck! Get on the bike. Wayne, you can’t… Go. You fucking cocksucker!
[SCREAMING] [GRUNTING] No, Daddy! Stop it! You shut up! [GRUNTING] I’m gonna
fucking kill you. [GRUNTING] Fuck! [SCREAMS] [SCREAMS] [CONTINUES SCREAMING] Fuck! Your dad ain’t got
no nose no more. BOBBY: Goddamn it,
you motherfucker! Fucking piece of shit,
motherfucker. [BOBBY PANTING] Del. Del, don’t go, please. Bye, Daddy. [ENGINE STARTS] Del! Del! Delilah! Delilah! [WIND WHISTLING] [RAP SONG PLAYING] Shane, I wanna see what else
this motherfucker will eat. All right, give him
your sandwich. But I don’t wanna. Man, I got double meat
on this motherfucker. [ALLIGATOR GROWLING] I knew he wouldn’t
fucking eat it. Every time, man.
You stupid. CALVIN: Reggie! Hey! Would you quit fucking
with your alligator
and get over here? Bunch of
fucking dipshits. [BURPS] [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] What’d I do now? It’s your birthday, right? Yeah, it is. Happy 18th, shithead. Seventeenth. Whatever. [ENGINE REVVING] [TRUCK HORN BLARING] [HORN CONTINUES BLARING] [ENGINE REVVING] [ENGINE REVVING] How the hell do we find Wayne? I’m sure there’ll be
a trail of blood. This car, it’s in Florida? We need to go. Stop! Stop! Where’s our sister, cop? [ENGINE REVVING] Whoops. [BARKING] [GROWLS] [ALL EXCLAIM] KID: Run! [GROANS] Fuck! What the fuck? What the fuck? Who’s that? That’s fucking Wayne. If you wanna
watchWayne,subscribe
to YouTube premium, get the first
30 days free. Not 31, not 32, 30. Don’t be cheap.

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