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Future’s Baby Mamas Are Unionizing & Erotic White Woman Book Club | DESUS & MERO | SHOWTIME


[MUSIC PLAYING]

DESUS: What’s shaking, y’all?
Yeah!
What’s popping?
I look like I’m in the Bronx
Wizard of Oz or some shit.
I’m a scarecrow, like, ah.
It’s called fashion, y’all.
Yo, we got to walk down Golden
Road and East Tremont and shit,
to get to the Wizard of Oz.
(SINGING) Ease on down,
ease on down the road.
Yerr
Yur.
Fucking Toto is a pit bull.
It’s like, yo.

Who would Dorothy be?
Cardi B.
Cardi B. Duh.
Layup.
JULIA: [INAUDIBLE] in it?
Cardi B would be Dorothy.
I guess the Tin Man
would be Cory Booker?
I don’t know.
Anne Coulter would be the
Wicked Witch of the West.
DESUS: Yeah.

Anne Coulter would be the
Wicked Witch of the West.

The house falls on her
in the beginning, right?
JULIA: Yeah, yeah.
DESUS: Yeah.
– So yeah.
– Yeah.

The lion?
Who would be the lion?
– Shit.
Uh–
JULIA: Is that you?
Are you–
DJ Envy?
(SINGING) Envy– Envy–
Envy–
– Woo.
DESUS: (SINGING)
Envy, Envy, Envy.
Hey, man.
Listen, man.
Next time I see that dude,
man, if he disrespect me,
man, we going to
have some words.
That was Gucci Mane, in
case you were wondering.
All right.
All right.

Yeah.

No, he got the
new teeth though.
JULIA: Yeah.
Yeah, they add a
little extra “ish.”
Let’s not veneer
shame, because, listen,
it’s not far off for us.
It’s coming for me, baby.
It’s coming.
We going to come with the
big Kid Cudi teeth, like hey.
I’m coming with the
Noreaga teeth, like, yo,
yo, what’s the good son yo.
Both, yeah.
On a payment plan,
so top and then bottom.
On the Rudy Giuliani plan.
DESUS: Yeah.

Uh, no.
I had grills,
and I lost them–

–in an unfortunate accident.

Well, I was sitting
around my homeboy’s crib–
shout to Jimmy–
and we just got super high.
And one of my boys just
rolled up a paper towel
and wet it and threw it at
one of my other friends,
so then we just started throwing
wet paper towels at each other.
But I forgot that every
time I smoke weed,
I would take my grill out,
wrap it in a paper towel,
and put it to the
side, like, yo,
I’m not going to disrespect–
Why y’all– y’all was
“aw”-ing like a puppy died.
What the fuck?
But you understand– you
know how that feels, bro,
when you from the
hood and you put
$250 on some grills and shit.
You know what I’m saying?
Like, yo, my man
lost his grill.
This shit is hard!
Yo, rest in peace, his grill.
You know what I’m saying?
You lose some jewelry?
So shit gets thrown
around, and then
the shit ended up
in the garbage,
but I was so high that I was
just like, yo, you know what?
Fuck it.
I’m going to just sell
another ounce of weed, then–
That’s the second-most
tragic Bronx story.
You know what I’m saying?
Only thing sadder than
that is Big Pun dying.
Facts.
I tell that shit at
every funeral I go to.

Yeah, rest in
peace to my grills.

Maybe not one.

I’d do grills again.
JULIA: Yeah.
Yeah, but Heather’s
like, you’re fucking–
you’re a grown man.
You’re a 36-year-old father.
And I was just like, OK,
so what does that have
to do with my teeth aesthetics?

Hell no.
Oh, there ain’t
nothing more to that.
Nah, I go to the
dentist too much.
That’s just, like,
what are you doing?
I can barely keep my teeth
as it is, now I’m going
to throw grills on the shit.
Also, if you get grills,
you can have stink breath.
That’s the thing, you’ve
got to be really mindful.
When you have grills, you
really got to be mindful.
I used to have little
thing of Listerine
that I would swish
around all the time
to get under the
grills and everything.
Nah, niggas that got grills
don’t be carrying Listerine.
I know niggas that grills.
Them niggas got the
stink breath for days.
Look at all those pictures
of the Wu-Tang Clan
when they all had grills.
All them niggas breath stink.
Yeah.
You could tell that shit.
Because there was no
self care involved there.
You know what I’m saying?
If your mouth smells like a–
you feel me?
If your mouth smells
like a Coinstar,
you’re doing it wrong.
My shit was fresh
mint all the time.
And I brushed the
shit with toothpaste.
I would put the–
it’s like hood Invisalign.

Hot goss, hot goss,
hot goss, hot goss.

No, let’s do–
I’m down for any type of goss.
Any goss.
We just messy.

Oh, yeah.
Which one?

There’s eight?
Damn!
Shout to him.

I stand with–
Wow.
–local, what, fucking 2–
what’s the latest area code.

Just take the test.
Take the test.
Woo.
What’s that say, “You Deadbeat”?
Goddamn.
That’s going to be the
name of his next mixtape.
Yeah.
1000%
He still hit though.
(RAPPING) I’m a deadbeat,
but I still hit that.

Legend Airy.
DESUS: Yeah, that’s his kid.
That’s his kid.
Like, two– like, separate?
Legend Airy, wow.
Like, Legend Airy?

Damn.
You know the wildest part?
There’s definitely going
to be a 9th baby mama.
MERO: That’s wild.
DESUS: Could be one of y’all.
MERO: Yeah.
– Like, watch out.
– One of y’all is–
You just going to wake
up one day like, oh, shit.
Oh, what the fuck?
Is that too many kids?
Wait, he has eight kids
from eight different women?

If he has a kid–
So it’s like a hobby for him.
How many kids does he
have in total, altogether?

And none of them
are named Molly?

It sounds like a
track listing, dog.
And Ciara was one of them.
Wow.
Wow.
Shout to King Future.
Right?
Yo.
Every now, you
just want to hear
a little toxic masculinity,
like, yeah, my guy.
Russell Wilson’s like
your name is Russell.
That Future shit is stupid.
You’re not going to get
into any good schools.

Hell no.
He’s huge.
He’s 5′ 7″.

He’s, like– how tall is he?
He’s pretty tall and stocky.
He’s also a Yankee fan, so no.
Can’t disrespect him.
Oh, that’s right.
He’s a Yankee prospect, so,
yo, salute to Russell Wilson.
He was at all the Yankee
games that they lost.

OK, so wait.
Y’all cry for him
losing a grill.
Motherfucking Yankees lose,
and y’all are just like,
suck it up?
Fuck y’all.
I hope y’all all fall
down the Joker stairs.
They’re like,
yo, I live there,
you know what I’m saying?
So there’s a high probability
that might happen.

– No.
– No.
They don’t salt it.
They don’t shovel.
They don’t do shit to them.
Did you just ask if they
salt stairs in the Bronx?
Yo, they don’t even shovel
the roads in the Bronx.
That’s why we’re
always wearing Tims.
You just got to get a sled
to go down this motherfucker.
All right?
When it snows in the Bronx, the
city be like, oh, be safe, yo.
Where the Bronx people?
Where’s the Bronx people at?
Make some noise.
DESUS: Yeah.
You already know the stairs,
all the stairs, the stairs that
go all the way down to 225th
and the motherfucking Kings
Bridge hill, all that shit.
No, get a sled,
because that shit
is not going to get salted.

No.
No.
They don’t even
shovel the steps
by the white people
in Riverdale,
so they don’t give a shit.
– They don’t give a fuck.
They’re like, you do
it your self, Saul.
But, technically, the
white people in Riverdale
don’t claim the Bronx.
They say they’re in Riverdale.
That’s not how it
works, sweetie.
Dr. Seuss was the
mayor of Riverdale.
Yeah, I used to
work in a library,
and when you would
enter people’s library
card applications, there’s only
three options for the burrows.
It was Bronx, Brooklyn,
or Queens, ’cause that’s
different library systems.
They’re putting, like, other.
And they’d be like,
please put in Riverdale.
And that was the biggest thrill
of my life, to just tell them,
you have to put Bronx.
OK?
BX all day.
You know what it is.
You’re one of us.

No, I was a clerk,
and I was a page,
and then I went on
to be a computer
programmer at the Science,
Industry and Business Library.
But yeah, never a
librarian though.

I’ve had every fucking
job in New York City.

No, no, no.
You have to have a master’s
degree in library science
to be a librarian.
If not, you can be an
information assistant,
which is a different position.
I know this library shit, dog.

Huh?
No, I haven’t been to
a library in years.
Can’t be reading.
That shit is whack.
I’m kidding, kids.
Read.
Reading is fundamental.
– Yo.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Open some books, my guy.
No, please, stop.
Read books, y’all, please.
Read books, kids.
Start right now.
After this show’s over,
read whatever the fuck–
“Captain Underpants,”
I don’t care.
Read a motherfucking book, dog.
Go to your local
Barnes & Nobles
and pick up “The
48 Laws of Power.”
You know what I’m saying?
Get your mind right.

No.
“Rich Dad, Poor Dad,”
you know what I’m saying?
Because you think club,
you think, like, turning up,
hookah and shit.
Book clubs are not that.
Unless you’re a white woman.
Then that shit is
a turn-up, 1000%.
Like, book?
I didn’t even read the book.
Where’s the Malbec?
Ah!
Like, yo, come on.
I know very well what
book club is like.

Y’all come back from book
club acting real spicy.

Wow.
What was the last book you read?

“Three Women”?
Shut the fuck up.
Are you serious?

Is there, like,
a book club network
that y’all read the same book?

Yes!

I know.
I know.

Is it, like, erotic
erotic, or, like, whack
“50 Shades of Grey” erotic?

Are they using
vulgarity in it, or–

Like what?
Do they say, like,
pussy and shit?

Yeah?
You have the book on you?

Yo, Alex, what’s
going on, my guy?
What’s up, B?
Imagine you on a
train next to him,
and he’s reading it on Kindle.
I’m calling the cops.
Po-lice!
Help!
Po-lice!

DESUS: Wow

Wow!
Yo, Alex on the L
with a wild chub.
Like, yo, excuse me!
Excuse me!
Ma’am, I’m sorry.
Move your backpack!

Please stand clear
of the rising cock.

Yo!

Listen, we got to–
I don’t know.
We got to provide him
Ubers home or something.

Is it OK to jerk
off in this Uber?
Yes.
I want special treatment,
that’s why I order Uber Black.

All right.

Let’s start this
motherfucking show.
[MUSIC PLAYING]

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