Articles

Authenticity: PSA for People Pleasers & Empaths


Hey guys, welcome back to Lavendaire.
So I was not planning on making a video today,
but I saw something on Instagram this morning
that triggered and reminded me about this lesson that:
We are not responsible for other people’s feelings
and how they react to things.
So it all started off with this really funny video
that Ali Wong posted.
First of all, I love Ali Wong.
She’s hilarious.
And it’s just a video of her dancing with her daughter.
And the caption says, “When you take the pregnancy test
and you’re not pregnant.”
And so she was celebrating and it was
a funny and cute video.
And so I was scrolling through the comments
and then one of the comments said,
“I’m happy you’re happy, but for all of those struggling
to get pregnant, that’s the saddest moment.”
And then there were a couple people who agreed
and then one person replied,
“I agree, but it’s not up to her to think
about our feelings.”
So if you’re an empathetic person then you can feel other people’s feelings
and you probably can predict other people’s feelings.
So you tend to think about other people’s
feelings before you act.
And on one hand, it’s really great to be considerate
and compassionate because you understand people.
But on the other hand, sometimes you can let that
dictate your choices a little too much.
Sometimes, because you care about
what other people are feeling,
it dictates how you behave.
It dictates what you say and you’re holding back
from being your authentic self.
Because you’re afraid to offend anyone
or hurt anyone or make them feel uncomfortable,
you hold back from voicing your honest opinions
or telling them the truth or just being your true self,
and that is a crutch.
That is what we should not do
because you are not responsible for
other people’s feelings.
You’re not responsible for how they react to the world.
You’re responsible for yourself
and how you respond to the world,
but you can’t take responsibility for other people
because when you’re being that considerate,
you’re assuming that they can’t handle their feelings.
Or you’re assuming that they’re not responsible
for their own feelings,
and you have to take that responsibility.
It’s too much responsibility for you to take.
You shouldn’t have to do that.
You should be focusing on yourself, living your life,
being as authentic to your true self as possible.
So I don’t know if you guys have had these experiences
where you either filter yourself or maybe
dumb yourself down
or just kind of mute yourself a little bit,
because of the people around you,
because you don’t want to make them
feel uncomfortable.
It might also go both ways where you don’t
want them to feel uncomfortable,
and you also don’t want yourself to feel uncomfortable
by being your true self.
So you care about what they think and
what they say about you.
Examples of this – and I’m not sure
if you guys can relate with me,
but it’s when you are with people who are
less ambitious than you.
And when you talk about goals and dreams,
you kind of dumb down your goals and
dreams and ambitions,
because you don’t want to scare them off
or make them feel uncomfortable with how much
bigger your own goals and dreams are.
I’ve definitely done that and felt like I had to do that
and I don’t know why.
And another example would be if you are
happy with your life.
But you pretend to not be as happy or
you kind of mute your happiness,
because you know the people around you are sad
and aren’t happy in their lives.
And you’re extra considerate of them
and you don’t want to make them feel bad,
because you’re so happy or you’re so successful.
And I still can see both sides of this:
why it could be seen as good or bad to be extra
considerate of people’s feelings.
Let me know in the comments your opinion on this.
But I think I would be considerate of people’s feelings
because I would want them to feel comfortable.
I would want them to feel like we all belong
in the same group or whatever,
and that’s why I would mute my own true self
and my authenticity.
And as I grew older I realized that
it’s not right to do that.
It’s better to just be your full authentic self.
It’s better to shine your light because you’re not meant
to mute your light in any way.
Don’t make yourself smaller just to make
the people around you feel better.
Ultimately it’s a form of people pleasing
because you want to please the people around you.
You want to make them feel comfortable so
you don’t become your full self.
You don’t go crazy and be your wild self,
because you don’t want to offend them
or you don’t want them to think you’re weird or –
I don’t know – you might trigger something in them.
The reality is though, people, if they get triggered
by you being your authentic self,
that says nothing about you and everything about them,
because that just shows that they have a wound
that they need to heal.
Maybe they’re suppressing their own emotions as well
and if they’re not allowed to be their authentic self,
then they get mad when you are.
And if you do happen to trigger someone
where they get hurt or offended or
uncomfortable, whatever,
that’s actually doing them a service
because it’s revealing to them where their wounds are.
You know how the world is our mirror?
Everything that we are angry or frustrated
or aggravated about
reveals something in ourselves that we need to work on.
So if you are mad at someone because
they’re always late, look at yourself.
Are you always late or are you extra hard
on yourself for being late?
Basically everything is a mirror.
What you see in others, what you admire in others
is what you want to cultivate in yourself.
And what you dislike in others,
when you have a strong emotional feeling
towards something,
that means that you have that within yourself
and you’re not accepting it.
You’re not loving that part of yourself and
accepting that part of yourself.
You’re trying to like kill it, but you’re not going to kill it.
It’s revealed in the way that you’re angry
at other things in the world.
So me, as someone with a tendency to
dislike confrontation,
I used to live life trying not to hurt my friends.
And if there was anything that came up,
whether a friend hurt me or whether a friend
did something wrong,
whether they had a flaw where other people got hurt
and they didn’t realize it,
I would not tell them,
because I didn’t want them to get hurt.
I wanted to just protect them –
and also for me, avoid that awkward,
uncomfortable confrontation as well.
But now I realize that you’re doing a disservice to people
if you’re hiding things from them just to not hurt them,
because you’re hurting them even more
by not telling them the truth,
by not being authentic and honest with them.
If you just come up with the courage to
confront your friend
and be honest and be open about, you know,
maybe something they did wrong,
how they wronged you, how they wronged other people,
then you might hurt them in the short term,
but you will help them in the long-term,
because they need that information to reflect
and then grow and improve, because most people
don’t have bad intentions.
Most people are just living their life.
And if for some reason in certain situations,
they hurt other people, it’s unintentional.
They might not even realize that they did it.
And they will never know that they hurt you
or hurt someone unless someone tells them,
unless they’re told that that happened,
because some people just don’t have the feeling,
sensitivity, or empathy to know that they hurt someone.
And if you just keep your mouth shut,
nothing’s gonna change.
So do not try to live life avoiding hurting people,
avoiding being authentic to yourself, avoiding saying the truth,
because that is just going to hurt you in the long-term.
It’s just not the way you want to live.
You want to live your authentic self.
You want to be completely yourself.
You want to be able to be honest and open
and real with everyone around you.
And it might be uncomfortable, it might get awkward,
you might hurt some people, but in the long-term
it’s all for the better.
You shouldn’t be avoiding pain.
I think I grew up thinking that you’re supposed to
avoid pain, avoid hurting yourself, avoid hurting others.
In reality, pain is necessary for growth.
You’re meant to struggle in life.
You’re meant to get hurt.
You’re meant to feel pain because that is how you grow,
and you also need the darkness to appreciate the light.
If everything was all butterflies and rainbows
and it was all just light, you wouldn’t appreciate it
because that would be your normal.
You guys know by now that growth happens
outside of your comfort zone,
so you have to get uncomfortable to grow.
Pain is uncomfortable.
Hurt is uncomfortable, awkwardness, confrontation,
all of that is uncomfortable, but it’s necessary
to just be real and live your best life.
Being your authentic and honest self can feel uncomfortable
if you’re not used to doing that.
If you are used to holding back and muting yourself
because you want to please the people around you,
because you don’t want to stand out too much,
then learning to be authentic is going
to be uncomfortable,
because it’s different than what you’ve done in the past.
Anyway, I just want to remind you that it’s great to be
empathetic, compassionate, and considerate
and caring about other people and their emotions,
but not at the expense of your authenticity.
Remember, you are not responsible for other
people’s feelings or emotions.
You’re not responsible for how they react to the world.
You know, that’s their responsibility.
They are living their own life on their own journey,
and you don’t need to take responsibility for that.
They will learn on their own time,
and it’s not your job to protect them.
It’s not your job to please them.
Your job is to put yourself first and
just do what’s best for yourself.
Be authentic to yourself.
So the moral of the story is shine bright.
Be 100% yourself and care less about
what other people think, how they feel,
what they say, their opinions.
Be brave enough to just step into that
uncomfortable zone,
because you’re going to have to,
and that’s how you’re going to grow.
That’s how good you’re going to learn to be more
of yourself each and every single day.
Anyway, going back to that Ali Wong video.
If Ali Wong cared too much about other people,
cared too much about offending other people,
she would not have posted that video
and probably would not have said most of
the things that she said
and in result, a lot of people, thousands of people would not have the content
that would make them smile, make them happy,
make them laugh, because she’s a funny person
and I love what she posts and what she says,
even though it can be vulgar, it can be offending or –
even this video, I didn’t think there was
anything wrong with it,
but obviously someone out there is always
going to get triggered
by what you say and that is not your responsibility
to try not to trigger everyone because
everyone has issues.
If you tried not to trigger anyone,
then you would just be silent.
You would just hide in your room.
You would just die because, just you being alive –
Me walking outside with this color hair,
I can trigger someone.
I can get someone mad and I think it’s ridiculous,
but some people do get offended.
I guess with the internet, we’re just
exposed to everyone.
Everyone has a platform to voice their opinion
and everyone’s got issues.
Everyone’s triggered by something.
So just knowing that you cannot please everyone.
You can’t be on everyone’s good side.
All you can do is be yourself and be yourself fully.
So I hope I’ve repeated this enough times
that you got to be your authentic self
and to shine bright.
I’m honestly still learning.
As weird as it sounds, I’m learning to be less considerate
about other people’s feelings and just be honest,
even if it might hurt them.
I know that it’s helping them in the long-term,
if I’m honest and I come with a good intention.
I’m not talking about hurting people intentionally
or doing bad things on purpose.
I’m just talking about being real.
All right, I hope you liked today’s little chit chat.
Let me know your thoughts on this topic down below.
Are you too considerate of a person?
Do you care too much?
Let me know and I’ll see you guys in the next video.
Love you so much.
Bye!

100
Comments
  • I've been thinking about this recently..
    I feel like the most of the time I'm not showing myself completely and I'm not being 100% authentic.. and it's just because I'm afraid of being too much or too less compared to the situation I'm in or compared to other people.
    It's like as I'm feeling enthusiastic and serene and happy within myself but I am not showing it externally.
    So what I do to get out of this situation and to be most authentic is to smile more, try to think less and follow the present situation and my sincere feelings. It takes some time but when I finally feel good and accepted with one person I love myself free and when I'm with authentic I'm sincerely happy.
    But I guess, we are human, and it isn't that easy to do.. because we care about how we are looking like at other people's eyes and we want to be be the best version of ourselves we can possibly be. I think that it is what stops us the most of the time from being mindful and fully present in the moment.
    But I also believe that by experience, with time and by getting to know beautiful and inspiring people ( like you lavandaire 😊 ) we can learn to let ourselves free.

  • I am not very empathetic but think about other people's feelings a lot anyway because that is what I was told that I was being rude and inconsiderate a lot so I got really anxious about saying things that might hurt others.

    I have now learned that it is more useful to be considerate of the feelings of others in a different way than the way you are presenting. That is, by talking about your own feelings and experience and not make assumptions or generalizations as well as being open to asking other people how they feel about what you said and telling them that these feelings are appreciated.

  • Thank you so much A.
    I needed to hear that today.
    You inspired me so much, thanks for the extra value you are bringing on YouTube. Really.
    I'm sending you some love. x

  • Was the idea for this vod spurred by the latest episode of the This American Life podcast? Really similar content. Funny how I'd never heard of the notion of not being a people pleaser and then having the topic pop up in two mediums in quick succession.

  • Thank you for this informative and inspiring video. 😭 iv been thinking that im losing myself to procees and when im finding myself i always tend to be lost. I took the gallup strength finder test in my work and i found out that my no.1 strength is empathy. It was a good strength since i always get a recommended by my clients but on some personal notes i find it annoying that whenever i just watch a sad vid ill be sad all day and cant recover fast on sadness.

  • Wow! Thank you so much, Aileen! I really need to hear this. I've been bothered for a couple of weeks. Honestly, I am in the midst of stepping out on my comfort zone and showing who I really am. Yet, there are some people who're shocked and sad about it. I contemplated and accepted my mistakes.

    As what you've said, don't be afraid to be uncomfortable, I guess I'm just super uncomfortable with this gradual shift of showing who I really am and what I really wanna do.

    I know, I hurt her feelings. But it is necessary for growth. I am really excited to see her restoration. I really miss her. I know, time will come that things will be unraveled and our relationship will be much better.

    Thank you for this. It literally helped me a lot.

  • Totally agree with the whole video 👌🏽… it’s just being confident in your own skin and being ok with that. And sometimes ppl are gonna be offend but that’s an opportunity for a conversation… why do they feel that way? And other times it’s just better to ignore them and move on.

  • I loved your channel before this video but now I LOVE IT EVEN MORE! Didn't think that was possible. 100% agree with everything said in this video. I always suppress my successes when my friends are complaining to make them feel better. Not going to do that anymore

  • I love how I can relate to this 100%. Sucks that I had to always prioritize other people’s feelings over mine. Would try to somehow change my approach on this! Thanks for the reminder 💛

  • i just came back to watch you videos after many days. And the topic you just discussed was something i really needed to sort out to myself. thank you so much.

  • Thank you for sharing. It's a great video. I needed this today. I cried today because I cared too much about what my colleagues thought of me. One of them told me that she thought I was rude because I asked her if she was going to dial in a conference call not knowing that she was finishing up her call. I thought I was a terrible person but now I'm like…I didn't do that on purpose and I was just trying to get everyone on the call as soon as possible. There's nothing wrong with it. Why was she offended so easily……People are difficult. I can never please everyone….

  • I care about my friends so much but this summer I realised it was too much. I got to a point where I was physically feeling anger on their behalf and would feel drained after. I decided to tell her enough is enough and she needs to sort things out herself. I am worried my friendship is damaged now but also I have learnt through your words that I need to take better are of myself

  • Oh wow I had never thought about this… I never considered myself a people-pleaser, but I definitely do this way too much. I never talk about my successes because I don't want my friends to feel bad or upset for not being there yet too, but I never reflected on how that's me making myself smaller…………………… much to think about

  • Being authentic,for me is the most challenging thing to do especially if the people you are dealing with doesn’t have the same maturity as you have and there is a possibility that your intention will be misinterpreted.So I just mute myself,disagreeing silently in my head,no guts to open up because everyone agrees on the class with the teacher or maybe seem like they agree because they are voicing their real opinion too.

  • I think a great analogy to this effect would be bubble wrapping everything! Like, you are protecting yourself from the people around you and the public. By being authentic you are bursting that bubble wrapping effect, instead, you are wallpapering the world the way you want to create!!

  • This is the advice I needed for so long.
    I've hurt one person so much in the past just because I wasn't true to them and acted like someone I wasn't and built this fake relationship JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT THEIR FEELINGS and I was really immature. It's now that I realize that you really cannot please everyone and that it's not possible to be a good person in everyone's story..everyone makes mistakes, they are inevitable since that's how you learn and grow. Thankyouuu aileen

  • I can't say to some people that I don't want to be in a relationship with them because I don't like them so much. I don't like to hurt others feelings or to make them feel bad or not confident about them selves.
    The admiration must be mutual.

  • Liked the example about hating others being late. However, in my opinion, this situation has more to do with respect, like if we dedicate each other one hour from 11 to 12, why do you think that it's fine to be late, waste my time and ruin my schedule. I respect you enough to be one time while you just didn't care about mine

  • Oh my god, I’ve never heard someone say these (very specific) things before! If you see this comment, what are some books or podcasts that give insight on this topic? 💜🙏🏼

  • Today I saw a man with a Parkinson's disease I guess, he walked really slow.. And I was thinking if I should slow down too, to not hurt his feelings.. It sounds really, really weird:D Kind of extreme.. Whoa – this video is here just in time 💕✨

  • I love your content.💙 I'm 16 btw.. and thanks to your videos I've matured in so many ways. Keep up what you're doing.🥰

  • Thank you so much for sharing about this topic ! I completely struggle with showing my true self and I think that's the reason why I can't really deepen relationships.
    So I'm gonna work on revealing my authenticity for the weeks coming and see how it is !
    ❤ from France !

  • I'm a pleaser, probably because my mother takes everything personal and I have to moderate my words when I speak to her but I'm trying to be a better person and be always myself

  • I am always muting my true self when I’m around with my parents because they judge me in the way I move and I am not being my true self when I am with them. I just want to ask if how can I open up with them without making them uncomfortable?

  • I am such an over-considerate person, because I am an empath myself..so I always think ppl will be like me about stuff. I am muting and dumbing down myself often… thanks again for this one!
    edit: Also, your look is EVERYTHING, such a great top/bra on you!

  • I consider myself as an empath however, I’m a different kind of person I get too careless, or selfish so I may not care what others think depending on the situation, or what I’m telling to others. You have a point about trying to please others or not offend either hurt others. Because if someone isn’t being truly honest that’s an unhealthy way to have healthy relationship with someone.

    Like if I don’t like something than being passive-aggressive I’m most likely won’t be like my authentic self. If I were brutally honest I would act little aggressive or little rebellious like, “ The color or design of this doesn’t look good on me it’s ugly”, or “ I careless about fashion I’m not absolutely good at finding what is my style. So why should I care when I can wear what I want? “ 🤷🏽‍♀️

  • In psychology, as humans we have the sensation of pain no matter if people tries to suppress it they’re more likely to be in unhealthy relationships no matter if it’s a healthy, or unhealthy relationship. If people can’t be their authentic self they will have difficulty being brutally honest or direct.

  • This is what BTS's song 'IDOL" really convey. The song tells us to be ourselves and love ourselves. Even we are celebrities (like BTS), we should not care for other people's feeling. This is the first statement of the song, "You can call me artist, you can call me idol, whatever you've come up with, I don't care". Just be ourselves, only do what we want.

  • Completely agree. I’m still learning to implement this myself because like you, I avoided confrontation or hurting anyone’s feelings. Not so much anymore. Just gotta have to say things in a way isn’t offensive.

  • I do agree with this when it comes to being yourself, if it's not causing harm. People should be responsible for their own jealousies and uncomfortable feelings. BUT I think language matters; what we say shouldn't spread or condone any kind of hate or prejudice. Unfortunately, this argument in the video sometimes gets used to back up the awful behaviour or words of others in this world 😏

  • I definitely care a lot about others' feelings. I have to admit that lately I have been focusing more on how I'm feeling and it feels great to authentically be myself. When I do that, it invites others to do the same. <3

  • Thank you for saying this, it’s hard to admit it and trying to change your habits at first but once you do it feels amazing and feel lighter ☺️

  • I love this video! I’m a empath and I would always try not to upset or offended Any one! And honestly looking back I didn’t really have personality and I feel like I got looked over a lot because of it. I have always loved fashion and I have always been pretty confident in my body even tho I’m not perfect! But I was hanging around a lot people who were insecure in themselves so I always dimed my light! We would go out and I would never dress or do my makeup the way I wanted to because I didn’t want to offended or make others uncomfortable, but in doing that I lost myself and formed not very authentic relationships! So if anyone is reading this do you! The world needs you to be you! Especially right now because everyone wants to be like everyone else!

  • It is totally opposite of what I've thought on this topic. This video showed me the different aspects of caring too much. It was really an eye opener… Loved it ❤

  • I’m learning this I had a film uploaded on YouTube and a troll Facebook message and got really Verbally abusive toward me this made me feel awkward but I sorted the problems out I was very hard for me to become Confrontational

  • I've just realized a few days ago that whenever I share my thoughts about any subject whether it's on social media or in my video on youtube, I said sorry a lot for sharing it just because I'm afraid that I might offended any one and now I see this video. Thank you.

  • With this video I can saw that I am a pleasent person in my work, cause I've never put my opinion with fear of hurty someone. But now I can see that It is so much important for continue being myself.

  • Dr. Aziz Gazipura has written a book about this very subject called "Not Nice". I listened to the audiobook of it, and it was literally a life changer for me. I highly recommend this book for people pleasers, people who avoid confrontation, empaths, anyone who is "too nice".

  • Let’s shine to the fullest because one’s shine will never dim other’s

    in any constellation, each star shines its way, that’s why constellations are so gorgeous…

  • Care more about what you think than what others think! Unless it’s constructive criticism, that’s my motto 😃

  • Thank you so much Aileen for this precious advice ! i am acually the type of person you used to be & described so i really needed to hear this ! i want to be my authentic self without having to hold myself back just to avoid hurting the people i love ! they should learn to accept & respect my choices & opinions ! (and i'm gonna bear with the pain and discomfort/awkward feeling until it fades away..)

  • i just came across your channel after watching your astrology video, and after scrolling through your videos a bit i came across this one. i relate to this so much, and it's kinda mindblowing that i would find it today, after a close friend telling me something very similar to this. thank you for spreading the message and supporting empaths, i needed this and i know lots of other people do too. ❤ definitely will be watching more of your content:)

  • Vietnamese subtitles are available! Click "CC" and check the video settings. Thank you to the contributor listed in the description 💕

  • This just spoke to me Aileen I'm on the way but at times it just feels miserable and wishing i was not like this and be like everybody else with so much less empathy . Thank you for this and you are a beautiful human <3

  • I'm an empath and I'm sick of trying to make people happy. I'm tired of people playing mind games with me. Being an empath really sucks.

  • Thank you Aileen. I really need to hear this.
    When you really care too much for others it is always you who suffers the most. Now i guess universe is telling me to stop doing this. Lots of love 😊

  • I wish that this video existed last summer when my sister came back home to live with us. Because of what my sister was going through emotionally and mentally, I thought that I should not be happy because she was not happy with what was occurring in her life and to make matters worse, she emotionally manipulated our family and her own friends to be responsible for however she feels. But I am happy now that I came across this video TODAY!!! 😊 I am an empath and a HSP, and this video is definitely helping me. 😘

  • Honestly this mindset can be a slippery slope that a lot of manipulative and abusive people can use to intentionally cause pain to others….

  • Thank you so much for posting this! I cried while listening to this because I know I’m guilty of the things you spoke about. I choose not to say things to people because I’d rather spare their feelings. I know that is no way to live your life though. Thank you for explaining this so throughly and sharing your examples. ❤️

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